Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,
make a doctor’s appointment.
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, ‘Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff ……
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town, cowboy.’
We are into the third [full] week of February 2019 “Cult Awareness Month,” and the next few days is often celebrated as “International Pickle Week,” perhaps because they eat a lot of pickles in cults! [They are fairly cheap and nutritious, often kosher! and vegan! and cults are into keeping keeping their members healthy, so they will be able to take over the world OR easily jump aboard the next space craft arriving to pick up souls for the journey to the appropriate star system!] To kick off this week, The Mystic Poet has several pickle poems. “Let’s get the pickle on!” says The Mystic Poet; “for, like the cowbell, you can never get enough pickle!”
“CUCUMBERS CAN SOMETIMES SPEAK!” a poem, in celebration of “International Pickle Week!” February 18, 2019 (Monday)
I AM A CUCUMBER! [Please]-let-me fit-in-your-jar,
Of vinegar and salt! I think we’ll go far!
Although we’re “in a pickle” whether-SWEETened – or-DILL,
It’s NOT a bad pickle, and maybe we’ll still,
Get on OK – and have a good time,
‘Cause EVERYONE’S-IN-A-PICKLE! That’s-what this-here-rhyme,
Is trying to say, but, THAT IS OK,
For, since The Beginning, “God’s”-pickled each day,
Presenting us cucumbers – with-a tempting abode,
To hide ourselves in, while reciting an ode*
PICKLEODE: a.k.a.: “Ode On A Grecian Pickle Jar!” to the tune “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” sung by Blue Oyster Cult!
I’m a cu cu mber!
Aaaaaa ND a pi———- ckle too,
Come on baby, eat the pickle – It’s hard, but not so hard to “do” – – – – [Come on, eat the pick-le!]
Come on baby – Oh! Come on and take the pickle,
It won’t make you cry! ‘less-you-get-juice in your eye -ye ye ye
Piiiiiii ckle – from your jar – A Greeeeeeeeeeeeeecian urn you are —–
puuuuuuucker puuuucker up puuuuuucker – – – – –
Cooooooome on! Piiiiiiiiiickle: Oo!
– It iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisn’t hard to “do,”
Pickles can be real yummy! They’ll make you pucker up and stuff! [Come on baby – Oh, . . . [Yea! you can’t get enough! – of the piiiiiiiiickklllllllllle!]
And-forever, I can be with you!
My Grecian, pickle jaaaaaaaaar, we’ll have a BALL,** [Come on, baby – Oh! . . . .
For you’re my pickled dollooooooooll!
Just screw the lid and callaaaaall!
You’re pickle’s – STANDING TALL! [Come on, eat the pick-le!] [I sometimes comes in a caaaaaaaan!] [I’m a green, Martian maaaaaaaan!] [Make some brine in a paaaaaaaaaan!]
* – An ode is simply a poem, intended to be sung! [alternative line . . . to fire our load!] For instance, “ODE ON A GRECIAN URN,” published by romantic poet John Keats in 1820, is a classical example of this poetic form, written by Keats, who died at age 25 of tuberculosis and was considered, like The Mystic Poet, a terrible poet – and a poetic upstart! Well, time has convinced us all that John Keats was a GREAT POET! “Like Keats, I am simply not appreciated as much as I would have been had I not been born a mulatto female dwarf!” The Mystic Poet. “I originated a drink that never really caught on at coffee shops: The MooLatte, a hot or warm milk drink, with a milk base, to be drunk at night before retiring; you can also eat a pickle while you are drinking it!
** – BALL-Mason jars are perfect for making your own pickles!
“BIG, HARD & TART!” a poem for “International Pickle Week!” Feb. 18, 2019 (Monday)
Mr. Pickle has a sickle, And with-it he likes to tickle, Every part of lovely you, To hear you squealing as you do!
That Mr. Pickle!! What a dill, But he can often really thrill, Your tasty buds! Yes, Hon, your gastric, Juices-will-respond! [‘specially]-if-he’s-Vlasic!
But Claussen’s also tasty too, And Best Maid’s hard and tart for you! When others [are] done and much is said, Try Bubbies before-you go to bed!
The FIRST GIRL – you really, really get to disappoint, You Scumbag! is your mummy! “HOW? (the longest pause here that you’ve EVER taken in your life) Could YOU do THAT to ME – ’cause you came from MY tummy! I ‘birthed’ you, I – BIRTHED – YOU – You? You! for God’s sake, And-NOW! You- – or-ny bas – tard – YOU! doth forSAKE, ME! Your MUM – by wearing a mum, To The Prom!!!!! AND! going – going with some, TERRIBLE! (Dare I say it?) DATE! Are you telling me! (pause) I’m no-longer (pause) GREAT? I ! who let you chew on MY nipples? For-God-knows-how-many-months, And NOW! THIS! What? So, now – I’m just – one of the – – – – s ?”
AND, NOW!! You filthy, miserable [ ], you do EVEN MORE? You LEAVE – your saintly mother – BEHIND THE WORN, FRONT DOOR, Of-a-dark-lonely-house – stranded WITH THAT-GUY?! That HUSBAND (that – – – – -!) and – EVERYDAY – she asks: “Why?” She married HIM!? Well!? It was to have YOU!
YOU! You miserable dog [You should just die!] So, you-are-“drawn-to:” ANOTHER! a beautiful girl – a sweet, dainty thing, Who lovingly – PROMISES YOU THE WORLD, & [Yeah!] demands a diamond ring; After-which – once (s)he’s got The Precious Jewel, Forever-after-that – YOU ARE SIMPLY: “A FOOL,” Who has disappointed – her EVERY HOPE, And, now, in despair – THIS POOR LASSY – WILL JUST MOPE!!! Mope! with your mother – and OTHER GIRLS TOO, Like THAT ONE – you NEVER EVEN KNEW!!! WHO LIKED YOU IN SCHOOL! It was: Smelly, Plain Sue,
And NOW! SUE, your wives (ex-wives) & YOUR MOTHER – talk o’ YOU! [They do!] While they drink – up your wine – and whine! and play pinochle too, And pray – for-death and/or disaster – in ANY way – TO FALL, Upon THE HEAD – of the worst person EVER born – THE WORST ONE OF ALL: YOU! Who have SO disappointed ALL the NICE girls OUT THERE, And made them – CRY! and BITE THEIR LIPS! and PULL OUT THEIR HAIR, Until they-are ALL bald – (pause here for tears) & have lost the best years of their lives! Because of YOU! YOU! who-were-NOT-kind & decent, to make them proud wives!
YOU! Who, when you die and go to Heaven(?), WILL LADLE SOUP, To all the lovely, young girls there! Who now – will just poop, SOUP! ALL OVER THE PLACE – and YOU will clean it up, YOU! ungrateful – unsavory – disgusting – DIRTYDOG Pup!
Footnote: [or -Paw Print, as the case may be!]
And, you-know, many years from now, when you’re a tired, defeated “also-ran,” And you’re emptying “the offal” – from your mummy’s bedside pan, She’ll LOOK UP! (with love and affection in her eyes!) Even though – she sees – through – your “dutiful disguise,” And-she’ll say: “You know, son!? You’re NOT THAT BAD!?”
And – YOU’LL DIE RIGHT THERE, but she WON’T look sad; She’ll say: “FAILED ME AGAIN? HAVE YOU? YOU T – RD?”
And your sprightly, quaint soul – will fly off, like a little J – bird,
& mom – will try and shoot you down, with her “spiritually-charged” mega-mama gun, Crying: “I’ll KILL YOU, you fowl thing – YOU! YOU-less-than-a-son! You! failure of a person – who disappointed ALL the DARLING GIRLS, Including MYSELF! You destroyed! all [of] our curls – You flitted – and lied – and didn’t talk (nearly) enough; You hid from our to-do lists, and you didn’t “stroke our stuff,” In the right way – or (even) in the right place – You’re-a-disgrace!” And she’ll hit you – right-between “those-SHIFTY -birdie eyes,” and you’ll go to a place, Where yeast-infections-and-vinegar-douche-ings – rule and flourish, & YOU’LL SIT IN THE DARK – Hole of Calcutta, where no one can nourish! 🙂 – OMG
And! YOU’LL TURN – TOWARD THE EYES – OF A FRIEND ALSO THERE! It’ll-be-Jesus! “You-too, Jesus?” “Yea! For, like YOU, I-also! LACKED, “A-pair!” 🙂 – Crying! I’m just crying here!*
* – Leave me alone – in my tears! OK?! [you filthy, disappointing hound dog!]
“THE GIRL, THE SEQUEL & THE RE-PAIR[ING]!” a poem as a conclusion to the epic poem “THE GIRL!” presented here – before! February 17, 2019 [Sunday]
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO, HE-WAS IN-A “PLEASURE DOME,” WITH-JESUS-CHRIST-THE-LORD, IN T H E UNIVERSAL WOEMB!
“And what-do-we-do-NOW?” “I DON’T KNOW!” said The Lord; “Well, IF you don’t, who does?” [and] I-gazed – Hea-ven – Ward, And noticed [I NOTICED] that [WE] were quite confined, Within “Sugar Walls,” surrounding us, which luxuriously shined!
It was THEN! that I noticed – I WAS SOLITARY THERE; THE PERSON I THOUGHT TO BE THE LORD – WAS ME, but I didn’t care! I just sat there wondering – about “THE JAM”* I was in! [And] about all the girls – DISAPPOINTED! by-my sorrowful life-of-“sin!” How ALL the moms – their moms – and-their-daughters all were so sad, Because of MY short-coumings! [Good Lord, I’m bad!]
I wondered about this special place, which smelled of fish, deep-fried,
And muffins-baked-to-perfection – and-if here I would always abide?!
Confined HERE – in this Heaven – or in this sweet-smelling-Hell,
A “Purgatorium!” I-felt (I guess) quite unwell.
Hopeless! YET STILL! I-wondered what-I could have done,
For ALL THOSE GIRLS – to-have-been a-better-“hon!”
MAYBE T H A T WAS IT! IF – I could have been more-like-a-“HUN,”
Who-would-rape- and-pillage – and, perhaps, SATISFY-THEM – utilizing: PUN!
“Oh, well – WOE IS ME! I AM – such a disappointment!”
&-with-that THE PLACE DID SHAKE!!! &-from-the-walls-oozed-a-fragrant-ointment,
Which covered me – and I did grow – TO GRAND-E-PROPORTIONS, man;
I was “bursting at the seams!” REALLY EXCITED! and-spreading out – like a fan!
A PHALLIC STRUCTURE I BECAME, WITHIN THIS ‘ANNIC “PRISON!”
The Earth shook! Angels cried! It was – A-friggin’- CATACLYSM!
With-deep, deep-thrusts! I-soon-realized-this-was-IT! THE COSMIC-FUGUE,**
There was a lot of “traction!” A rooster crowed – a hen! I-heard-it TRULY-cluck!
Then, all the girls, in all the worlds, those unseen AND seen,
United! into one Kunta Kinte – and I-was: Mr. Clean!
I KNEW in a moment, as Mrs. Claus shouted: “Hurray!-I-have-made-IT-at-last!”
That ALL GIRLS WERE UNITED IN ONE, & all disappointments had passed!
For I WAS “The cock” of the “a-doodle-doo,”
AND ALL GIRLS ARE WON, WITH A BIG, BIG BANG 2!
And both [of us] that morning – equally lay – in “grass” no step had trodden black,
[For-it-had-been: A COS-MIC EN-COUNTER, within “The Cos-mic SACK!]
And THE ANIMA KNEW – AS-IT FLEW-OUT-OF-SIGHT,
SHE HAD FINE-ALL-EE-CUM – TO-AN INFINITE HEIGHT!
She-was ALL-THE-GIRLS! ALL-were-now SATIS-FIED,
And all was forgiven! WITH NO NEED TO HIDE,
FOR WHENEVER ANY GIRL – SUDDENLY – “NEEDED I T,”
I was ALREADY THERE! A-stroking each t – – t,
And massaging her p (rivates?) – and making her PURR,
For ALL GIRLS ARE “CAT WOMEN!” Yes, us “DOGS” will concur:
THAT DOING IT ” – – – – IE STYLE” IS A LITTLE BIT ROUGH,
BUT KITTIES DON’T CARE – WITH-A-[FULLY]-SATISFIED-“M – – – – F!”***
THE MORAL of The Story – and The END of Disappointment:
To satisfy all girls? Just-fugue-The-Universally-Truly- Wet-C –
Fugue-ing the-girls separately – simply don’t work;
For-by-doing-that none-are-satisfied; they-just call-you-A-JERK!****
SEPARATELY? Gripe – Gripe – Gripe!
But together? things-will-be: INFINITELY RIPE,
With all of them satisfied, all [of] them in bliss!
Don’t-take-’em-one-by-one – GIVE-‘EM-ALL – “THE-COSMIC-KISS!”
Mothers! Daughters! Aunts! and-Grams!
Do them ALL – with THE WHAM! of B A M ‘ s!
BAM AUTOMOTIVE – AUTO REPAIR,
1200 S. Hwy. 118 – in Alpine, Texas, U. S. A., if you-truly-care,
THAT YOUR SWEET GIRLS GET- T H E B E S T R I D E!
We’ll take care – of the “dings” and “bumps,” and we’ll really GRIND,
The bearings – To get those balls – so perfectly “round!”
Girls’ll-be – as-satisfied – as-fresh-herrings, we’ve found,
AND – They’ll PURR – and they won’t be squealing! [much!] and-they’ll smell better too –
Fresher! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED! with Universal Bearing -Goo!*
🙂 – from BAM Automotive!
* – Others might describe IT as “jelly!”
** – either a musical selection, using contrapuntal technique, introducing a basic theme, which is repeated at intervals! OR [psychiatry]: losing the awareness of your identity for a period of time [What “in the day” we used to call A TRIP]!! [Your pick!]
*** – MUFF-LER, a car part we use to reduce noise and pollution!
**** – or “worse!!”MYSTIC POET 😂😁😀
“AVA FAVA JAVA!” a poem a.k.a.: “S – X – C – F – E – !” Feb. 5, 2019 (Tuesday)
I happened by the coffee shop, and -it was plaine to see, A fine barista [Mona Lis(t)a] looking – around – at me? The most beautiful girl – in The World – She’s-been-resting – here! A-resting – yes, I’d like to arrest – her – and hold her oh! so dear, In protective custody – I’d hold her – tender-ly – and kind, Unless! – she was into – S & M – in which case – I would bind, Her hands – and legs – and body parts – that we can’t – mention – here, Yet – TENDERLY – I would bind – and whip – and catch – each – falling tear, BUT YET – if She did – cry out – and say: – “I’ve had enough,” Then – I would – undo her – restraints – and kiss her – on the muff, Until – AGAIN – She cried out: – “That’s enough!” – you-nasty-big-old-boy! It’s time – for me – to play – some games – with you – my sweet-s-x toy!
“THE A-MUSE-ING EMOTIONAL INSPIRATION WHICH SPARKETH POETIC IMAGINATION!” a poem a.k.a.: “Where Inspiration Lead-eths Thou Hither!” Feb. 3, 2019 (Super Bowl Sunday!)
The neighbors are worried! The family has-concern! “What has – brought-on – his POETIC-TURN? This turn of events! He’s-not painting much! Has-he-lost “the-inspiration,” perhaps, lost your touch? Yet, his poetry is ‘cycling’ at a dynamic rate! It is NOT BAD poetry, BUT – is-it as great, As his paintings? and sketches? and so-fine designs?”
They went to HIS house, where the-art-poet dines, And cleans! and sweeps, with luscious strokes, And composes rhyme – and subtle jokes!
“Oh!-Not-to-worry!” said The-Poet/Artist; “It’s just-u-MY LOVER! YEAH! She is – the ‘tart’-est, And-most-savory- thing- that-I -do-“know!” When-I start a painting, my thoughts they will go, To her eyes – and her lips – and her body Divine, And SUDDENLY! It’s MIRACULOUS! The painting’s ‘sublime,’ But-with-her-eyes-on a candlestick – or her breasts on a post, Of some city landscape – or a buttered piece of toast!! So, I’ve-stopped painting for now, FOR HER INSPIRATION, Infest-eths my mind – and-my-weird-imagination! LIFE WITH A SOUL MATE – IS POETIC – AND TRUE, So, for now, it is poetry – that I-simply must do!”
“JASON’S GIRL! A PERFECT 10!” a poem January 8, 2019 (Tuesday)
I hear that Jason’s girl – is REALLY attractive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She kind-of-“stalks”-him DAILY – and-is VERY active, For she is said – to show up – (often) at his door, With-her-“knickers”-on-her head!! AND-THERE’S-QUITE-A-BIT-MORE:
For-instance, she “rings” him every hour, whether he answers or not; She even thinks about him, while she’s sitting! on “the pot!” She day-dreams – muttering – his-name out loud! And she wears a t-shirt that says, “HOW VERY-PROUD . . . SHE’D-BE IF-JASON-WOULD-MARRY-HER FOREVER!” So, with-stars-and-hearts-in-her-eyes, she’s-after-Jason, who-better-be-clever, For A WOMAN IN LOVE is A FORCE OF NATURE, And – there-is-really-no-one – who-can-even-remotely-sate-(c)HER!
When SHE sees Jason cume, she-just-floats-over to-him, Grabs-him and holds-him – and she’s so-fit-and-trim, ‘Cause SHE-CAN-BARELY-EAT; when she gets to “the-table,” She often passes-(right)-out – (up)on-her-meal – for she-isn’t much-able, To-love-HIM – AND – eat-food – all-at-the-same-time, So, SHE JUST SWOONS, and – her face is full of “grime,” ‘Cause she-can’t focus much – to even bathe – or shower, And her hair – is-up-in-the-air (like-a-frazzled-cat) YET, HER POWER, Is-said-to-have-been-multiplied – 100 FOLD!! A FORCE OF NATURE, if The Truth be told! When she stumbles by, all cars are alerted, ‘Cause-everyone-knows-she-might-step-out-(into-the-street)! Then, she’d-get-hurt-ed!? Anyway! We’re all watching HER – and – “watching-out”-for-her-too! She is SO – attractive-and-sexy – She’s-in-the-world-of-“LOVIE-WOO!”
She’s THE MOST AMAZING THING! “Jason’s Girl!” LIKE: She-walked-right-into-The-Gym-yesterday! 300-pounds she-did-curl!!!! And several of the burly, well-muscled men,Cowgirls 😁 Well! She-tossed-them-all-out-onto-The-Street! There must-have-been-TEN! So, THAT’S-HER, Jason’s-Girl! With that perfect “10” score! God only knows! How-much-LOVE’s-“in-her-core!” Anyway, we-re-all-envious-of (and-scared-for) Jason! What-a-lucky-guy!? For HER-most-of-us – would-just-fall-down, fall down – & DIE! 🙂 – What a woman!
Yipppeeee Yes, I did wrong by Facebook. It was worth it 😏 Some folk believe it’s ok to send porn through Messenger. He made a very big mistake. The world saw his Timeline with his private parts for the world to see with a note yes in my name and exactly what he did, yes he was married. 😏 I was Jailed for eight days. That stupid man, well he has a life ban. Now his Aeroplane equipment is floating in Cyber Space forever with his name. My husband would outdo that jerk anyway 😁😅😃🤔
To my Dear sweet Husband
If you ever read this, ( not that he reads anything I write or do)
Sorry, Darling, that’s a secret I hid from you.
Secretly I’m on facebook, oh my😔
My husband loves me just the way I am 😁
Perhaps later I will update you all on the consequences of my secret Facebook life
My husband understands me just the way I am, MYSTERY FOOL 🌞🙌
|Rex Sikes| Daily Inspiration | Gratitude | Positive Thinking | Positive Attitude | Get Rich | Make Money | Success | Positive Thoughts | Live Your Dreams | Get Your Goals | Become Rich| Become Wealthy | Law Of Attraction | The Secret | Wealth Creation | Abundance | Unlimited Power | LOA | Neuro Linguistic Programming | NLP | Think and Grow Rich | Secret |
LorieAnnJ/LORIEANNJBLOG/LORIE ANN JERMOUNE- JUST ME, MYSELF AND I- A writer by nature and an inspirational poet at heart- Writing daily in the creative flow of love, especially for you! http://lorieannj.com/2017/04/vigilant-observant-attract-by-lorie-ann-jermoune/ THERE IS A GROUP OF INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY THIEVES THAT ARE STALKING ME AND HAVE MONETIZED THEMSELVES USING My anger is that nobody has done anything to stop these malcontent criminals and that they have actually pocketed MY MONEY by SELLING MY CONTENT! http://www.homemagz.com/lorie-ann-jermoune-connecting-to-the-heart-of-your-product/SHERRY-GILLAM/ https://usacomplaints.com/art-creative-work/1105281-fraud-illegal-use-of-my-legal-given-name-for-the-purposes-of-fraud-illegally-selling-my-website-banner-and-intellectual-property-for-illegal-sales-and-commerce.html https://usacomplaints.com/scam-fake/1105282-illegal-use-of-my-name-for-fraudulent-purposes-continued-harassment.html https://usacomplaints.com/complaints-reviews/offender/Rob+Wilson-cowboy-wisdom.com/http://be-wisdom.com/tag/lorie-ann-jermoune/article-writing/ IF YOU HAVE PURCHASED LINKS FROM BE-WISDOM.COM THIS WAS DONE BY FRAUD http://lorieannj.com/2018/09/purchases-link-http-www-be-wisdom-com-tag-lorie-ann-jermoune-article-writing/ https://usacomplaints.com/scam-fake/1105282-illegal-use-of-my-name-for-fraudulent-purposes-continued-harassment.html https://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/rob-wilson-cowboy-wisdomcom/internet/rob-wilson-cowboy-wisdomcom-robert-a-wilson-rob-wilson-tom-ski-tom-skibowski-charle-882670