Tag Archives: FUNNY

Oh Madame is putting on a show tonight ๐Ÿ˜

Oh my goodness gracious me, Madame at it again guys ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹
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Deliously silly ๐Ÿ˜›

“THE POINT!” a poem Thursday: June 20, 2019

“What’s The Point?” “You tell me!”

“Well, I – dun-no!” “But – CAN’T-YOU-SEE,

What’s-The-Point?” (pause) “Not-with-all-this-DOUBLE-TALK?!” (pause)

(WELCOME TO MORE SILLY POETRY – AROUND “THE CLOCK!”)

“You’re VERY SMART – and-well-ed-ucated;

Successful-Insightful*-and-HighlyRate!”

“YOU ‘lift us up!’ YOU – ‘smash-the-glass!’

You say-LIFE-stinks! Then: IT’S-A-GAS!”

“Well, IT-IS! Then-again: It’s-not!”

“You say that we-should?-be – smoking pot,

And – being-kind to paedophiles,

And BE ORGANIZED! before-burning-The-Files!

YOU say: FORGIVE! and-then FORGET;

You-say: AVOID-THE-LOTTERY; then PLACE YOUR BET!

You-say: Make-up Your-own-friggin’-mind,

And-then: EVERYONE’S CRAZY, just-‘chewin’-on-The-Rind!’

WHAT-ARE-YOU-SAYING? What-cha want us to do?”

“Well, I DON’T KNOW! I-ain’t-smart-enough-to,

Make YOUR-decisions – or-to-even-ANAL-yze,

Your systems and objectives, but I- DO sym-pathize,

With: children! stray animals! and sad, old-folks!

The so-called-weak-&-ineffectual – should-never-be-‘societal-jokes!’

JUST KNOW: LIFE-HERE-‘SUCKS,’ WHATEVER YOUR STRATEGY;

So DEAL WITH IT! Life sucks! (pause) with-or-without-your-pi-i-i-i-i-it-y!”

fin <3

  • – even “enlightened!!” ๐Ÿ™‚ – OK! L. O. L.!
  • PASSION~ And never let it go ~ play together stay together
    Age doesn't limit how you should dress or play. Give up all those silly ideas, you're smarter than you believe. The hardest thing in life is to be happy. Find you're passion and by golly never let it go โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ https://youtu.be/Y6nSEzs4I1c
  • Oh no honey, Twins ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    "PROGRAMS!" a poem, programmed, just for YOU, for: Tuesday, June 25, 2019 Twiddledee!* and Twiddledum!* were-twins, so I am told!*Twins are pretty in-ter-esting! Some-are-meek; some, bold!Some, you can NOT tell a-apart; some, are-pret-ty dif-fer-Ent,But-they-all-have-this "magic-connection!" Consider-an-Ex-per-i-m-Ent:Or-rather A CASE STUDY, ** done some years ago!I read about-it – in-a-Science-Book! A SCI-ENCE BOOK, you-know!There-was for-instance, ONE-SET-OF-TWINS, separated-at-birth,One-kid … Read More
  • The Spoilers Mantra
    ""THE SPOILER'S MANTRA!" a short poem – Tuesday, June 25, 2019 I LIKE TO SPOIL YOU! It's something I do! I don't know why! except – I JUST LIKE TO! I CAN NOT HELP IT, For, I'm sure you knew: I'm Y O U R "submissive," A-spoil-ing YOU! fin <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_jJXnTeHc
  • I’m pregnant with six kittens ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    "LEARN TO CRAWL AND SWIM! THEN, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A WALK!" a poem June 25, 2019 (Tuesday) "I KNOW better than my body," (boom-boom!) said Cornelius Packbottom! (Oh, yeah!) "I KNOW The Seasons! (mm, mm!) From: Fall-o! – unto Au-tumn!" (Ooh, whee!) "So, I know-a – that-just THIS! and-THAT! is, for me, good to … Read More
  • โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 -๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ
    โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 – Tuesday. a.k.a.: โ€œDoctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs: IF You Have Questions, Call The Thiefs; If Youโ€™ve No Questions, Then Somethingโ€™s Wrong – You-Need-An-Attitude-Adjustment โ€ฆ And A Different Song!โ€ โ€œYOU! YOU! – You-you-need, To โ€˜get on boardโ€™ and learn to read! And-agree-more-often with conventionality! IF-you-donโ€™t, … Read More
Thank goodness Mystic Poet had a brain snap ๐Ÿ˜œ

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Mystic Poet Laureate has burnt out, sorry folks, brain snaps do this to all of use. He will be back even more caustic than ever. Mystic is a showman you know that. Satire is the tag he wears like a mantle with his feather dusty ready to strike like a sharp sword, watch do the next episode. ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿคช

  • PASSION~ And never let it go ~ play together stay together
    Age doesn't limit how you should dress or play. Give up all those silly ideas, you're smarter than you believe. The hardest thing in life is to be happy. Find you're passion and by golly never let it go โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ https://youtu.be/Y6nSEzs4I1c
  • Oh no honey, Twins ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    "PROGRAMS!" a poem, programmed, just for YOU, for: Tuesday, June 25, 2019 Twiddledee!* and Twiddledum!* were-twins, so I am told!*Twins are pretty in-ter-esting! Some-are-meek; some, bold!Some, you can NOT tell a-apart; some, are-pret-ty dif-fer-Ent,But-they-all-have-this "magic-connection!" Consider-an-Ex-per-i-m-Ent:Or-rather A CASE STUDY, ** done some years ago!I read about-it – in-a-Science-Book! A SCI-ENCE BOOK, you-know!There-was for-instance, ONE-SET-OF-TWINS, separated-at-birth,One-kid … Read More
  • The Spoilers Mantra
    ""THE SPOILER'S MANTRA!" a short poem – Tuesday, June 25, 2019 I LIKE TO SPOIL YOU! It's something I do! I don't know why! except – I JUST LIKE TO! I CAN NOT HELP IT, For, I'm sure you knew: I'm Y O U R "submissive," A-spoil-ing YOU! fin <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_jJXnTeHc
  • I’m pregnant with six kittens ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    "LEARN TO CRAWL AND SWIM! THEN, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A WALK!" a poem June 25, 2019 (Tuesday) "I KNOW better than my body," (boom-boom!) said Cornelius Packbottom! (Oh, yeah!) "I KNOW The Seasons! (mm, mm!) From: Fall-o! – unto Au-tumn!" (Ooh, whee!) "So, I know-a – that-just THIS! and-THAT! is, for me, good to … Read More
  • โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 -๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ
    โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 – Tuesday. a.k.a.: โ€œDoctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs: IF You Have Questions, Call The Thiefs; If Youโ€™ve No Questions, Then Somethingโ€™s Wrong – You-Need-An-Attitude-Adjustment โ€ฆ And A Different Song!โ€ โ€œYOU! YOU! – You-you-need, To โ€˜get on boardโ€™ and learn to read! And-agree-more-often with conventionality! IF-you-donโ€™t, … Read More

Our gift to you From Texas USA โ™ฅ๏ธ

Playlist of twenty-six amazing songsโ™ฅ๏ธ

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  • PASSION~ And never let it go ~ play together stay together
    Age doesn't limit how you should dress or play. Give up all those silly ideas, you're smarter than you believe. The hardest thing in life is to be happy. Find you're passion and by golly never let it go โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ https://youtu.be/Y6nSEzs4I1c
  • Oh no honey, Twins ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    "PROGRAMS!" a poem, programmed, just for YOU, for: Tuesday, June 25, 2019 Twiddledee!* and Twiddledum!* were-twins, so I am told!*Twins are pretty in-ter-esting! Some-are-meek; some, bold!Some, you can NOT tell a-apart; some, are-pret-ty dif-fer-Ent,But-they-all-have-this "magic-connection!" Consider-an-Ex-per-i-m-Ent:Or-rather A CASE STUDY, ** done some years ago!I read about-it – in-a-Science-Book! A SCI-ENCE BOOK, you-know!There-was for-instance, ONE-SET-OF-TWINS, separated-at-birth,One-kid … Read More
  • The Spoilers Mantra
    ""THE SPOILER'S MANTRA!" a short poem – Tuesday, June 25, 2019 I LIKE TO SPOIL YOU! It's something I do! I don't know why! except – I JUST LIKE TO! I CAN NOT HELP IT, For, I'm sure you knew: I'm Y O U R "submissive," A-spoil-ing YOU! fin <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_jJXnTeHc
  • I’m pregnant with six kittens ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    "LEARN TO CRAWL AND SWIM! THEN, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A WALK!" a poem June 25, 2019 (Tuesday) "I KNOW better than my body," (boom-boom!) said Cornelius Packbottom! (Oh, yeah!) "I KNOW The Seasons! (mm, mm!) From: Fall-o! – unto Au-tumn!" (Ooh, whee!) "So, I know-a – that-just THIS! and-THAT! is, for me, good to … Read More
  • โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 -๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ
    โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 – Tuesday. a.k.a.: โ€œDoctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs: IF You Have Questions, Call The Thiefs; If Youโ€™ve No Questions, Then Somethingโ€™s Wrong – You-Need-An-Attitude-Adjustment โ€ฆ And A Different Song!โ€ โ€œYOU! YOU! – You-you-need, To โ€˜get on boardโ€™ and learn to read! And-agree-more-often with conventionality! IF-you-donโ€™t, … Read More

Woolworths at it again ~

 MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS 


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging 

to have her killed. 


A ‘friend of a friend ‘put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of

‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for  snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his  wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed 

by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. 


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…(You’re going to hate me for this…) 



‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS 


Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

  • PASSION~ And never let it go ~ play together stay together
    Age doesn't limit how you should dress or play. Give up all those silly ideas, you're smarter than you believe. The hardest thing in life is to be happy. Find you're passion and by golly never let it go โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ https://youtu.be/Y6nSEzs4I1c
  • Oh no honey, Twins ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    "PROGRAMS!" a poem, programmed, just for YOU, for: Tuesday, June 25, 2019 Twiddledee!* and Twiddledum!* were-twins, so I am told!*Twins are pretty in-ter-esting! Some-are-meek; some, bold!Some, you can NOT tell a-apart; some, are-pret-ty dif-fer-Ent,But-they-all-have-this "magic-connection!" Consider-an-Ex-per-i-m-Ent:Or-rather A CASE STUDY, ** done some years ago!I read about-it – in-a-Science-Book! A SCI-ENCE BOOK, you-know!There-was for-instance, ONE-SET-OF-TWINS, separated-at-birth,One-kid … Read More
  • The Spoilers Mantra
    ""THE SPOILER'S MANTRA!" a short poem – Tuesday, June 25, 2019 I LIKE TO SPOIL YOU! It's something I do! I don't know why! except – I JUST LIKE TO! I CAN NOT HELP IT, For, I'm sure you knew: I'm Y O U R "submissive," A-spoil-ing YOU! fin <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_jJXnTeHc
  • I’m pregnant with six kittens ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    "LEARN TO CRAWL AND SWIM! THEN, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A WALK!" a poem June 25, 2019 (Tuesday) "I KNOW better than my body," (boom-boom!) said Cornelius Packbottom! (Oh, yeah!) "I KNOW The Seasons! (mm, mm!) From: Fall-o! – unto Au-tumn!" (Ooh, whee!) "So, I know-a – that-just THIS! and-THAT! is, for me, good to … Read More
  • โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 -๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ
    โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 – Tuesday. a.k.a.: โ€œDoctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs: IF You Have Questions, Call The Thiefs; If Youโ€™ve No Questions, Then Somethingโ€™s Wrong – You-Need-An-Attitude-Adjustment โ€ฆ And A Different Song!โ€ โ€œYOU! YOU! – You-you-need, To โ€˜get on boardโ€™ and learn to read! And-agree-more-often with conventionality! IF-you-donโ€™t, … Read More

Making babies ~

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!–

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to..’ ‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’ ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !’ After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’ ‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,  and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’ ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’ ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith. ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said. ‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith. ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.’ ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’ ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’ ‘Tripod?’ ‘ Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted.

  • PASSION~ And never let it go ~ play together stay together
    Age doesn't limit how you should dress or play. Give up all those silly ideas, you're smarter than you believe. The hardest thing in life is to be happy. Find you're passion and by golly never let it go โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ https://youtu.be/Y6nSEzs4I1c
  • Oh no honey, Twins ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    "PROGRAMS!" a poem, programmed, just for YOU, for: Tuesday, June 25, 2019 Twiddledee!* and Twiddledum!* were-twins, so I am told!*Twins are pretty in-ter-esting! Some-are-meek; some, bold!Some, you can NOT tell a-apart; some, are-pret-ty dif-fer-Ent,But-they-all-have-this "magic-connection!" Consider-an-Ex-per-i-m-Ent:Or-rather A CASE STUDY, ** done some years ago!I read about-it – in-a-Science-Book! A SCI-ENCE BOOK, you-know!There-was for-instance, ONE-SET-OF-TWINS, separated-at-birth,One-kid … Read More
  • The Spoilers Mantra
    ""THE SPOILER'S MANTRA!" a short poem – Tuesday, June 25, 2019 I LIKE TO SPOIL YOU! It's something I do! I don't know why! except – I JUST LIKE TO! I CAN NOT HELP IT, For, I'm sure you knew: I'm Y O U R "submissive," A-spoil-ing YOU! fin <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_jJXnTeHc
  • I’m pregnant with six kittens ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    "LEARN TO CRAWL AND SWIM! THEN, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A WALK!" a poem June 25, 2019 (Tuesday) "I KNOW better than my body," (boom-boom!) said Cornelius Packbottom! (Oh, yeah!) "I KNOW The Seasons! (mm, mm!) From: Fall-o! – unto Au-tumn!" (Ooh, whee!) "So, I know-a – that-just THIS! and-THAT! is, for me, good to … Read More
  • โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 -๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ
    โ€œTHE HARDHEADED BRAT OF BREWSTER COUNTY?!โ€ a poem August 7, 2018 – Tuesday. a.k.a.: โ€œDoctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs: IF You Have Questions, Call The Thiefs; If Youโ€™ve No Questions, Then Somethingโ€™s Wrong – You-Need-An-Attitude-Adjustment โ€ฆ And A Different Song!โ€ โ€œYOU! YOU! – You-you-need, To โ€˜get on boardโ€™ and learn to read! And-agree-more-often with conventionality! IF-you-donโ€™t, … Read More

Funny Story

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK


Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )


DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: 
I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )


Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY


Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. … …..
Richard: He makes bread . . …
Contestant: Er .. ……..
Richard: He makes cakes . . …
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain ..

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)


Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)


James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … ER. ER … Three?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.


  • FUNNY
    So you cowards think you're tough because you jumped me, waited for me to be alone? At my own house even!? I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the f'n ground. You're lucky I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and neck but who … Read More
  • FUNNY
    Nymphomaniac Convention A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York and on taking his seat, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or … Read More
  • CUTE FUNNY PUPPIES
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/1084225614975623/
  • FUNNY
    โ€œIf you ask meโ€ Gerald insisted, โ€œfeelings are wholly overrated!โ€ He took a long slug from his beer and stared into the flames. โ€œJane is always wanting me to share things and open up, but thatโ€™s just not me you knowโ€ he continued. โ€œI always try and explain that to my wifeโ€ Thomas answered, placing … Read More
  • CATS

You Dirty Parrott ๐Ÿฆœ๐Ÿฆœ

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees parrot sitting on a little perch. 
 

It doesn’t have any feet or legs. 

The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. 
 

‘You actually understood and answered me. !’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot.
 
  

‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’
 
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. 


‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?’
 
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 
 

You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’
 
‘Wow,’ says the guy. 


‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.?’
 
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology.

 
 

You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
 
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. 


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!’
 
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
 
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
 
He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. 
 

The guy is delighted.
 
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. 


‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the DHL man.’

‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy.
 
‘When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’
  
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously
โ€ฆ ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
 
‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’
โ€ฆ.‘Yes. 

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’
 
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!’   

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Facebook nonsense reblogged ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿคช

https://wp.me/p8Aza7-cwf

What you feel is what you attract

What you imagine is what you create

Said Budda

Bet he didn’t have a Facebook Page lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ยฉ๏ธ@mdavis

Mystic Poet ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

โ€œSIGNIFICANT TOUCH, NOW, FOREVER!โ€ a poem a.k.a.: โ€œBedbugs Unite(d)!โ€ November 2, 2018, Friday! {Large acrylic: โ€œAbstract: Jack and Rose, Together!โ€}

The importance of TOUCH – is well documented,

Existence itself – must-be – supplemented,

By stroking (and) caressing! Please! DO-hold-your-baby,

And, when we are older, it ISNโ€™T a maybe:

YOU NEED TO HAVE OTHERS – TO TOUCH YOUR SWEET BODY;

The absence of SUCH – is clearly quite naughty!

Yet-thereโ€™s-a-tendency, I think – in SOME social views,

To-obscure touchโ€™s-importance! And-give-the-body โ€œTHE BLUES!โ€

Science HAS established – we (all) need lots of touch,

So bodies can thrive – and-be-happy-very-much!

Our bodies need: good-food, sun-warmth, rest – and-wind,

Movement and cleaning – Yet! Please-donโ€™t-offend,

For touch must be lovely – expected – (and)-inspired;

Bodies want: safety – and-LOVE! Theyโ€™re HARD-WIRED!

So – find you some friends – who are touchy and feely,

And โ€œgrapple-them-to-thy-soul(s),*โ€ and assure them that REALLY,

Youโ€™re happy to see them – you love them – and like,

Their presence and bodies! Plus-endorphins-doth-spike!

Yes!-Chemicals-emerge – when thereโ€™s touch and embrace,

And it makes things MUCH nicer – in-this unusual place,

Where thereโ€™s punching – and poking – and needles – and probes,

And this is quite frightโ€™ning, for we-can-become-โ€œphobes!โ€**

For some [folks] touch unkindly – in various ways,

But, hopefully, your-touches – will-be-good all your days!

And THIS – brings us NOW – to-a-most-important-thing:

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! who – much joy can bring!

For your partner is-critical, spending quality time,

Soothing! with-loving-touch and – sometimes-words that-do-rhyme!

SIGNIFICANT TOUCH, see-and-taste, smell-and-hear,

Is all SO IMPORTANT!

โ€œI LOVE YOU, My Dear, for somehow our bodies have made us be one; being with YOU is a whole lot of fun, when our days can be spent – with cherish and passion!โ€

SIGNIFICANT TOUCH is always in fashion!

โ€œSO, KISS ME AND HOLD ME – Iโ€™LL ASK YOU TODAY, and HOPE FOR YOUR TOUCH – โ€œFOREVER!โ€ I say.

fin <3

โ€œInside and outside! (pause) OH! All around! And you-know, you might find – (itโ€™s)-toward Heaven youโ€™re bound!โ€ The Mystic Poet.

โ€œAND – a final note here! You CAN touch yourself too!! (Itโ€™s)-called-LOVING-YOURSELF, and itโ€™s SO GOOD for you!โ€ The Mystic Poet.

    • from Wm. Shakespeareโ€™s โ€œHamlet I, iii!โ€

** – Having a fear of something – like touching! ๐Ÿ™

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

About my Husband ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜€ letter to my Husband about๐Ÿ…๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

STORY ABOUT MY HUSBAND

Over the years my HUSBAND was travelling ๐Ÿงณ around the world.

For months at a end. It was just a way of lifestyle some folks live

I had a busy busy world of my own, so thatโ€™s life

One day, on those rare occasions he just happened to arrive back and we were in a restaurant quietly enjoying the music and food [ no conversation]

Suddenly this guy sat looking at my Husband and said ๐Ÿค” Mate arenโ€™t you afraid to leave her behind for months alone, any man could take her off you. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Wake up call for me. This dude was serious oh my goodness gracious me, I had never thought about it either ๐Ÿค” always loyalty is my thing.

โ€œ yep probably, but I know this for sure after one week he would bring her back and chuck her on the front lawn and try to make a run for it before I grabbed him and shouted in his face, not that easy๐Ÿ˜ mate if you want to give her back this is what you need to do, you pay all my mortgages OUT and I will take her back to work for me, cause she is the greatest asset earning person on earth. ๐Ÿฅบ thatโ€™s not all a SURGEON once said the only operations she needs to have is to have her tongue cut off. Oh my goodness gracious me, yes he said all this to that dude while I smiled sweetly ( adding to the guys face now coloured like a red tomatoe ๐Ÿ… on heat )

Anyway as the story goes, my HUSBAND smiled that no all smirk he has and replied causally, no man could put up with a wild whirlwind like her sheโ€™s not a female sheโ€™s a bloody great investment opportunity. โ˜บ๏ธ

Yes this is a true story written by me โ€œTea Lady โ€œ

Why did I write this story today? I suddenly realised looking down at my Husband ( sound asleep ๐Ÿ’ค again) what I do to him, I over talk ๐Ÿฅบ knocked out again as usual, no wonder no one wants me ๐Ÿ˜)

For sale One Wife

good earning capacity

Loyalty

Cost nothing to run

Comes kitted out with great body and brain

No time wasters

Be prepared for the long haul

Anyway I donโ€™t care ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

Thinking seriously of taking me off the market unless your price is able to pay the highest price of your life. ยฉ

Me at the weekend, Cute as hell ๐Ÿคช

Thoughts for the Day ๐Ÿ˜‚

MEN…..and WOMEN

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has 
helped you most in your life?” 
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!” 


****** 
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called 
‘Husband – the Master of the House?'” 
Sales Girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!” 
****** 
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your 
wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?” 
Old Man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.” 

****** 
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an 
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription …. 
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough ! 

****** 
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink 
& the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. 

****** 
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make 
wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. 
Rest get married and wonder what happened!  

****** 
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument. 
****** 
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? 
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!” 

****** 
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to 
handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot 
of improvement!? 

***** 
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT – what he really 
means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet. 

****** 
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his 
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” 
The Doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!”