Tag Archives: FUNNY

Subject: Men don’t listen๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿคฃ

Subject: Men don’t listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

When the powder puff was complete he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™‰๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜ƒ
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Texas bill would fine men $100 each time they masturbate – CNN ~ only in America ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿคฃ

https://www.cnn.com/2017/03/13/health/abortion-texas-lawmaker-trnd/index.html

Interesting observations into cultural differences between relatives and themselves

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿค—๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

Who’s going to Police the action.

I’m A honey delight โ„ cream cone ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿจ๐Ÿง๐Ÿจ๐Ÿง๐Ÿจ๐Ÿง๐Ÿจ๐Ÿฆ
๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‰ Sorry about this lol.
Thought about it ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™‰๐Ÿ™ˆ pay me instead and we would buy every property in Texas lol

A woman has taken to Twitter after discovering a hilarious term for unmarried women in the latter half of their twenties.๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

Unmarried women over 26 are too old to be spinsters. ๐Ÿค”
Female, unmarried and over 26? Bad news โ€“ youโ€™re too old to be a spinster.๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚

A woman has taken to Twitter after discovering a hilarious term for unmarried women in the latter half of their twenties.

Writer Sophia Benoit shared her amusement with her followers after discovering the word โ€œThornbackโ€ was an old term for women in this age category.

The tweet has since gone viral, racking up thousands of retweets and likes.

Far from taking offence at the outdated term, many had an absolute field day with the idea they were โ€œthornbacksโ€.

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜†

Aphorism ~ Word of the day ~ Editor ๐Ÿ˜

Aphorism

is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner .

โ™ฆ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last
year. Not to cause any trouble….but shouldn’t that be an even number?

โ™ฆ I find it ironic that the colours red, white and
blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

โ™ฆ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

โ™ฆ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you
ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

โ™ฆ America is a country which produces citizens who
will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote.

โ™ฆ You know that tingly little feeling you get when
you love someone? That’s common sense leaving your body

โ™ฆ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with
vengeance. We’ll see about that!

โ™ฆ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been
Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

โ™ฆ Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

โ™ฆ You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

โ™ฆ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
try missing a couple of payments.

โ™ฆ I always wondered what the job application is
like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

โ™ฆ The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

Now,

donโ€™t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?


EDITOR’S COMMENTS:

Only in Australia Pauline Hanson a supposed Politician did Vote this idot into Parliament. She used cook fish and chips in a shop. You don’t have any knowledge in Australia to build a Fence like Donald Trump here. She thinks ABORIGINAL folk were cannibals. That’s why we have illegal immigrants here, wouldn’t you come in a boat to meet Pauline ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

The only different between Donald, he built a Fence to keep them out but the Government ( cheap skates)

Fish the immigrats out with fishing rods or push them under

Did you know that !

Donald Trump really is very kind ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜…

Only in AUSTRALIAN Politics ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜…

Michael McCormack MP
Deputy Prime Minister
Parliament House, Canberra

Dear Michael,

Thanks so much for standing up for the interests of country folk yet again. If these over-educated city slickers have their way, we’ll all be living in the dark & eating raw kale. How dare they impose solar & wind power on us? Taking away our night-time footy & one-day cricket is bad enough. Anyone who’s ever had to get up at three AM to milk the sheep knows the sun never shines then, and if you use all the breeze to push turbines around, there won’t be enough wind left to pump water up from the creek. It’s gone on beyond all reason!

These urban smarties with their fancy degrees should do a decent day’s work for a change. The lads at the RSL would like to see you take your campaign a bit further. Traditional country values are a thing of the past, it seems. Scientists are all very well to have on tap, as we like to say out here, but NEVER on top. Gough the anti-Christ started it all, letting all sorts of riff-raff including women go to uni, and it’s all been downhill since then.

First they tell us we have to wear seat-belts & can’t have more than three middies before driving. Do you have any idea how many panel-beaters & morticians this measure did out of a job? Next they make us put fluoride in our water,& the next thing you know all our teenagers are turning queer & listening to rap. They won’t let us grow rapeseed any more, in case it upsets the feminists, so we have to call it canola, which half the blokes I know can’t spell. Our buxom young country lasses don’t want to wear aprons & learn how to make a decent scone any more – oh no, they have to go to uni where they can learn how to smoke dope & rabbit on forever about empowerment & equality & glass bloody ceilings.

Good on you Michael! Keep up the sterling work. It must be hard to keep your eye on the ball sometimes, what with Barnaby drooling & muttering in the background, hanging over your head like the Pork Sword of Damocles. But you stick to your guns, laddie! Someone has to restore traditional Australian values to this blighted nation, things like selling our best farmland & rivers to traditional allies like the Chinese. If only these commo greenies would get out of the way!

We’re all looking forward to your next brilliant analysis. With the help of thinkers such as yourself, Australia should do very well as we power through the 20th century.

Yours sincerely,

Godfrey Bigot JP
West Bathurst NSW 2795

Dennis the Menace ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ฏ

Texas Cowboy

Texas Cowboy

Watch “Andrea Zoellner: Storytelling with Gutenberg – How to use the new editor to boost your blog” on YouTube

EDITOR’S COMMENTS

Listen to the Video

Pherhaps practice on a free WORDPRESS

Yes we are using

Only Down side looks good on your computer but does not translate to Devices that you see on your computer as yet

Sure after more plugins this will look good on Tablets and mobile phones

Good idea for BUSSINESS Webs find out your customer preferences.

First before you create on a computer.

Our followers now are running Devices on the run.

To overcome mydaz.blog losing followers on mobile devices we are using Classic and Blocks by creating on Tablets and mobile phones.

I love to use Blocks on a computer as the graphics are amazing

But when you view the entire Blog it is somewhat different, sometimes messy.

Anyway this is a new era in Blogging in cyber wonderland of inspiration ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Š

Making mistakes is ok we all do ๐Ÿ˜

Give those Happy Engineer’s AT WORDPRESS A HEAD ACHE LIKE I DO ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Š

* – like everyone! :) – Speak for yourself, you BAD Mystic Poet!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—

Caught out again๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

“LYING!” a poem 03/03/19 [Sunday]

It’s A VERY HIGH COMPLIMENT! and! a spiritual persuasion?
LYING! It tells a loved one, on any-given-occasion,
THAT THEY ARE S O IMPORTANT, that you simply MUST deceive,
Them to avoid hurting their feelings – or-it’s-about-what-they-believe,
Which TO YOU! is not only preposterous, but it’s kooky – and “dumb,”
BUT! You think SO VERY MUCH OF THEM, that you WILL succumb,
To “the temptation!” of NOT telling them “The Truth!!”

PLUS! You’re loving yourself! staying-out-of-trouble, since-you’re-uncouth,
And UNKIND?! and-probably? downright MEAN!
You might be The Nastiest Booger – that I’ve ever seen!!

NAW! I’M JUST KIDDING! YOU’RE PROBABLY OK!
It’s just that sometimes – a good falsehood – goes a long, long way,
To live your life – in a Christ-like, kind, loving fashion,

For instance! Sometimes, GIRLS! you gotta fake a lot of passion,
‘Cause your good-ol’ boyfriend – thinks he’s QUITE THE MAN!!!
When you know – he’s mostly “panty waste,” with not much of a plan!*
AND! HE DOESN’T HAVE MUCH TO SAY OR DO! when he’s in love with you,
‘Cause his tongue is just-a hangin’ out!!
And he just wants to – [you-know!]

๐Ÿ™‚ – Guys! You can’t live with ’em! Disgusting!
Guys! Just yucky! Yup! Yucky! โค
Bunch of liars! Yup!

fin โค

Thank you for the opportunity to share inspiration

* – like everyone! ๐Ÿ™‚ – Speak for yourself, you BAD Mystic Poet!!!!

Australian Politics ( Labour) ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

Bill Shorten is my Shepherd, I shall not want:

He will leadeth me beside still factories and abandoned farms.

He will restoreth my faith about the Liberal Party,

He will annointeth my wages with taxes and inflation,

So my expenses runneth over my income.

Surely poverty and hard living shall follow if Labor win

Five thousand years ago Moses said:

“Pack your Camels pick up your shovels, move your arses,

and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Five thousand years later Bill said:

“Lay down your shovels, sit on your arses, light up a joint. This is the Promised Land”.

Next election Bill could take your shovel, sell your camel,

kick your arse and tell you he gave away the Promise Land.

I’m glad I’m Australian, I’m glad I’m free.

But I wish I were a dog and Bill was a tree.

I have a very complicated Centrelink benefits question:๐Ÿ˜‚

Dear Sirs,

Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My fatherโ€™s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughterโ€™s mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. And, as you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my fatherโ€™s wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wifeโ€™s grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my fatherโ€™s brother-in-law, the step-son of my fatherโ€™s wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-motherโ€™s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my fatherโ€™s son-in-law, and my step-motherโ€™s brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed.

THE RESPONSE FROM CENTRELINK:-

Of course you qualify Mohammed!

We have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you, just as soon as you arrive here in Australia.

Welcome!

Our Sincere Regards,

Bill Shorten & Sarah Hansen-Young

Sunday Morning Sex

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor’s appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
—Hawk—

Thought for the day๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Š

Funny or not READ THIS YOU WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A BETTER LAUGH I PROMISE YOU. MY RIBS STILL HURT.๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜…

READ THIS YOU WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A BETTER LAUGH I PROMISE YOU. MY RIBS STILL HURT.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’ have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

Leave me alone – in my tears! OK?! [you filthy, disappointing hound dog!]

“THE GIRL!” a poem February 17, 2019 (SON-day)

The FIRST GIRL – you really, really get to disappoint, You Scumbag! is your mummy!
“HOW? (the longest pause here that you’ve EVER taken in your life)
Could YOU do THAT to ME – ’cause you came from MY tummy!
I ‘birthed’ you, I – BIRTHED – YOU – You? You! for God’s sake,
And-NOW! You- – or-ny bas – tard – YOU! doth forSAKE,
ME! Your MUM – by wearing a mum,
To The Prom!!!!! AND! going – going with some,
TERRIBLE! (Dare I say it?) DATE!
Are you telling me! (pause) I’m no-longer (pause) GREAT?
I ! who let you chew on MY nipples? For-God-knows-how-many-months,
And NOW! THIS! What? So, now – I’m just – one of the – – – – s ?”

AND, NOW!! You filthy, miserable [ ], you do EVEN MORE?
You LEAVE – your saintly mother – BEHIND THE WORN, FRONT DOOR,
Of-a-dark-lonely-house – stranded WITH THAT-GUY?!
That HUSBAND (that – – – – -!) and – EVERYDAY – she asks: “Why?”
She married HIM!? Well!? It was to have YOU!

YOU! You miserable dog [You should just die!] So, you-are-“drawn-to:”
ANOTHER! a beautiful girl – a sweet, dainty thing,
Who lovingly – PROMISES YOU THE WORLD, & [Yeah!] demands a diamond ring;
After-which – once (s)he’s got The Precious Jewel,
Forever-after-that – YOU ARE SIMPLY: “A FOOL,”
Who has disappointed – her EVERY HOPE,
And, now, in despair – THIS POOR LASSY – WILL JUST MOPE!!!
Mope! with your mother – and OTHER GIRLS TOO,
Like THAT ONE – you NEVER EVEN KNEW!!!
WHO LIKED YOU IN SCHOOL! It was: Smelly, Plain Sue,

And NOW! SUE, your wives (ex-wives) & YOUR MOTHER – talk o’ YOU! [They do!]
While they drink – up your wine – and whine! and play pinochle too,
And pray – for-death and/or disaster – in ANY way – TO FALL,
Upon THE HEAD – of the worst person EVER born – THE WORST ONE OF ALL:
YOU! Who have SO disappointed ALL the NICE girls OUT THERE,
And made them – CRY! and BITE THEIR LIPS! and PULL OUT THEIR HAIR,
Until they-are ALL bald – (pause here for tears) & have lost the best years of their lives!
Because of YOU! YOU! who-were-NOT-kind & decent, to make them proud wives!

YOU! Who, when you die and go to Heaven(?), WILL LADLE SOUP,
To all the lovely, young girls there! Who now – will just poop,
SOUP! ALL OVER THE PLACE – and YOU will clean it up,
YOU! ungrateful – unsavory – disgusting – DIRTYDOG Pup!

Footnote: [or -Paw Print, as the case may be!]

And, you-know, many years from now, when you’re a tired, defeated “also-ran,”
And you’re emptying “the offal” – from your mummy’s bedside pan,
She’ll LOOK UP! (with love and affection in her eyes!)
Even though – she sees – through – your “dutiful disguise,”
And-she’ll say: “You know, son!? You’re NOT THAT BAD!?”

And – YOU’LL DIE RIGHT THERE, but she WON’T look sad;
She’ll say: “FAILED ME AGAIN? HAVE YOU? YOU T – RD?”

And your sprightly, quaint soul – will fly off, like a little J – bird,

& mom – will try and shoot you down, with her “spiritually-charged” mega-mama gun,
Crying: “I’ll KILL YOU, you fowl thing – YOU! YOU-less-than-a-son!
You! failure of a person – who disappointed ALL the DARLING GIRLS,
Including MYSELF! You destroyed! all [of] our curls –
You flitted – and lied – and didn’t talk (nearly) enough;
You hid from our to-do lists, and you didn’t “stroke our stuff,”
In the right way – or (even) in the right place – You’re-a-disgrace!”
And she’ll hit you – right-between “those-SHIFTY -birdie eyes,” and you’ll go to a place,
Where yeast-infections-and-vinegar-douche-ings – rule and flourish,
& YOU’LL SIT IN THE DARK – Hole of Calcutta, where no one can nourish! ๐Ÿ™‚ – OMG

And! YOU’LL TURN – TOWARD THE EYES – OF A FRIEND ALSO THERE!
It’ll-be-Jesus!
“You-too, Jesus?”
“Yea! For, like YOU,
I-also!
LACKED,
“A-pair!” ๐Ÿ™‚ – Crying! I’m just crying here!*

fin โค

* – Leave me alone – in my tears! OK?! [you filthy, disappointing hound dog!]

Did you know that ๐Ÿ˜
Bet you didn’t know that ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜€