The Honourable Scott Morrison MP
Prime Minister’s (temporary) Office
Parliament House Canberra A.C.T.
Forgive us if we haven’t taken you seriously enough during your brief tenure. It seems like only yesterday you took over the nation’s highest office with true Christian humility – the culmination of weeks of public modesty and private backstabbing. Now it’s only a matter of days before you’ll be looking for another job.
Where will you go, Scottie? The lads at the RSL are running a book. A little inside drum would not go astray. Will you hang around as (temporary) Leader of the Opposition or return to a plum sinecure in the corpulent sector? A year from now will we be seeing you flogging shonky cutlery sets on the Shopping Channel at three in the morning, or will your career take on new directions, like peddling pancakes outside a pox-doctor’s clinic?
Clearly, you’d be well advised to avoid anything to do with computers. You’ve had us all in stitches this week with your response to the burgeoning problem with would-be pollies and their social media histories. (I know,I know, the other parties have unearthed a few duds too, but right now yours is the problem under consideration.) A reasonable reaction, it seems to me, would have been to bring in new party rules guaranteeing closer scrutiny of candidates’ FB & Twitter profiles BEFORE they could be accepted in pre-selection ballots. But no, that would have been too simple & logical, wouldn’t it? You had to pull the rabbit out of your arse and threaten social media trolls with the sort of prison time generally reserved for archbishops, didn’t you?
What WERE your advisers thinking? Were they thinking at all? Do you not realise than 90% of trolls lurk on the far right of the spectrum? They believe in chemtrails & the takeover of Sharia law & think fluoride is an Illuminati plot. They believe Pauline speaks from the heart, dismiss Bill Shorten as a looser, deploy ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ indiscriminately, eat their takeaway food in dinning rooms, are convinced Penny Wong is a Communist agent and think Hitler’s still alive in Argentina. Most internet trolls, in short, come from the ranks of your supporters. If they weren’t confused enough before, they sure are now.
Thanks for the memories, old chum. May your future be full of Engadine moments and resounding slogans. If a Pentecostalist falls over paralytic drunk in a forest and there’s nobody there to see, will he still be able to write a character reference for a known pedophile?
Enjoy your retirement Scottie. Life won’t be the same without you. We should have paid more careful attention, though it was at times hard to focus, what with all the shouting and the meaningless slogans. The less charitable among us dismissed you as a mere skidmark on the Reg Grundies of Australian political history.
In the end, you weren’t even that significant.
Yours in premature triumph,
Godfrey Bigot JP
West Bathurst 2795
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