Mildura ~ Australia ~ Don’t go there for a holiday

Sitting on the shores of the muddy, toxic-algae-filled Murray River and tucked just inside the Victorian border, Mildura owes its existence to an irrigation experiment that transformed it from an arid wasteland into a soggy wasteland that grows fruit. The city’s horticultural heritage is reflected in the names of its streets including Orange Avenue, Lemon Avenue and Avocado Street. In recent times more modern industries have also been honoured in similar fashion: Chroming Street, Insurance Fraud Avenue and Handjob Boulevard.

Mildura calls itself ‘Victoria’s Food Bowl’, but ‘Meth Bowl’ would be more accurate. The original translation of Mildura is ‘sore eyes’, which is strangely appropriate considering the average Milduran’s scabby peepers have been prised open on a six-week drug binge. Aside from picking fruit for slave wages, popular activities in ‘Methdura’ include living in a van down by the river, staying awake for three weeks in a row and trading sexual favours for a suck on the see-through didgeridoo.

Mildura is the capital of ‘Sunraysia’, a made-up country populated by sun-worshipping gronks. It’s also the welfare fraud capital of Victoria, proving that Mildurans enjoy a spot of dole bludging as much as they like actively courting melanoma. Another local obsession involves relentlessly revving anything with an engine, whether a powerboat on the river or a rusted boganmobile with a baked beans tin for an exhaust – anything incredibly loud and obnoxious will do when you’re poorly endowed and want the whole world to know.

Mildura: Melons, Meth and Microdicks.


By ace101

Ace Worldwide News Group working with Kindness & Wisdom in perfect harmony to provide help and guidance through news & views and the truth to people in need Amen