He was drunk

he gets religious when he’s drunk. he’d say i would go to hell one day, and god would punish me. did you know i used to pray every night? he used to scream, louder than i knew how to, probably louder than i could back then, dyke and bitch and whore and words i don’t want to say. did you know i used to pray every night? a man told me he loved me and i let him kiss me and i let him touch me and i thought the stars i saw were from love and not his hand around my throat and some part of me blames you for my own blindness. did you know i used to pray every night? a boy told me i’d be happier if i was smaller and i believed him and i shrunk myself to nothing and i wasn’t happy but i wasn’t sad either and i haven’t stopped trying. did you know i used to pray every night? i used to keep pills in my jewelry box and i didn’t want to use them but i was too scared to throw them away. did you know i used to pray every night? you wondered where the liquor went and you never looked at me but if you had i wouldn’t have been able to meet your eyes i think and those were the only nights i slept for a year because i’d battle nightmares with coffee until my body didn’t know what i was doing. did you know i used to pray every night? i wasn’t raised with a god, i’ve never been to a church, but i stole our bible when i was nine before i knew enough latin to understand it and you used to make stained glass and maybe that was enough. did you know i used to pray every night? he locked me outside one night, and i barely dodged his fist, and he fell asleep on the floor because he couldn’t make it to the couch and do you know where god was? oh mama, did you know i used to pray every night? did you know when i stopped?

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