Category Archives: FUNNY

Mothers Milk πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

BIOLOGY EXAM:

This is straight from Scotland.  Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.  

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

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Testicle Therapy

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

β€˜Feels great,’ he replied; β€˜but I still think my thumb’s broken!’

One of my first “Lonely Hearts”. Enjoy peeps. By Facebook πŸ˜»πŸ˜‚

I tell it like it was πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜πŸ˜…πŸ˜†πŸ˜‰πŸ˜Š

When I was a child I can still remember looking up at a man just like him. My father looked down at me. I was under the shadows of that giantic belly. Thats all I could see, no face, nothing! To my Father’s embrassment I still to this day see Dad’s face flush a crimson yellow. Gushing, “oh my goodness gracious wow said the little bird that’s huge ballon you have there, MR HOTEL. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£ AS THE STORY GOES πŸ€£πŸ˜‚ he was the retiring Commissioner Of the Police Force πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£ oh, what a day that was. Dad scooped me up ( 2 foot little kid) and ran. πŸ˜€πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

Worn only by “cock heads” πŸ¦ƒ

This woman says she can β€˜cure’ homosexuality with a suppository that kills β€˜worms’ / LGBTQ Nation ~ what next πŸ€£πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ¦„

https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/04/woman-says-can-cure-homosexuality-suppository-kills-anal-worms/

ME? CRAZY?

I should get down off this πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

Unicorn and slap you 😁🀣 πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„

I HAD MY PATIENCE TESTED YESTERDAY

And

IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE πŸ™

SquirrelΒ Infestation πŸ€—

Squirrel Infestation

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Anglican and Catholic churches came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Those man made RELIGIONS are very cruel ~ Animals have rights too πŸ™„

Women you can’t live with or without them 😁

Time and circumstances tore us apart

I am still living with the pain

It is a strong possibility

That I may never see him again

But I am not disheartened

Would you like to know why?

No matter how far he goes

We’d always be under the same sky

Proof That The World Is Nuts!πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

Strange facts you gotta know or be reminded of…

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

~~~~~~~~~

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

~~~~~~~~~

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

~~~~~~~~~

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don’t live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

~~~~~~~~~

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

~~~~~~~~~

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

~~~~~~~~~

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

~~~~~~~~~

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

~~~~~~~~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

~~~~~~~~~

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’

(Is this a great country or what?)

Well,…. not as great as Guam!

~~~~~~~~~

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

~~~~~~~~~

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our Government pay for this research??)

~~~~~~~~~

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

~~~~~~~~~

An Ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

~~~~~~~~~

Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

~~ ~~~~~~~

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ass.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be

in Guam !!!!!!


Only in Australia πŸ˜‚πŸ˜πŸ€£

I have a very complicated Centrelink benefits question:πŸ˜‚

Dear Sirs,

Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My father’s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter’s mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. And, as you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the step-son of my father’s wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my step-mother’s brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed.

THE RESPONSE FROM CENTRELINK:-

Of course you qualify Mohammed!

We have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you, just as soon as you arrive here in Australia.

Welcome!

Our Sincere Regards,

Bill Shorten & Sarah Hansen-Young

Grownups 😁

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn’t pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…and they did it!

When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, ‘That cloud looks like a…’?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

…as well as summers filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, ‘Yeah, I remember that’?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dog Dare to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dog Dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.

Newsreels before the movie.

Telephone numbers with a word prefix…( Yukon 2-601). Party lines.

Peashooters.

Hi-Fi’s & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Green Stamps.

Mimeograph paper

The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do You Remember a Time When…

Decisions were made by going ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’? ‘Race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?

It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘Best Friends’?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute commercials for action figures?

‘Oly-oly-oxen-free’ made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange – flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their ‘Grown-Up’ Life.

American Drug Control

WHY DON’T WE SEE THINGS LIKE THIS ON OUR ‘NEWS’?
How Drugs Are Smuggled Across The Border?

In case you think that our border control is too strict, check this out. The β€œbricks” are hard drugs.

On August 1st, 2017, President Trump told the Southern border patrol to carefully screen every truck coming into the U.S. From Mexico. Previously this was only sporadically done. The border officials said they felt like a welcoming committee. πŸ˜πŸ˜†πŸ˜…πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ€£πŸ˜‚

Police Officer Test Β  Β How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?Β  Β The answer is found below.

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer

and a Scottish Police Officer?

The answer is found below.

QUESTION:

You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it.

However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Australia:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canada:

BANG !

America:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

‘Click’…Reload…

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

“Haw, Jimmie….! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!”