Category Archives: FUNNY

Funny ~

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, ‘Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.’

He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, ‘ What’s your occupation?

‘I’m a prostitute’, she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, ‘That’s too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that.

“The woman says, ‘OK, I’m a high-end call girl’

‘No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable.’

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, ‘I’m an elite poultry farmer.’

The accountant asks, ‘What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?’

‘Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.’

Chartered Acct : ‘Brilliant !! Poultry Farmer it is !!! and, Agricultural Income is tax-free.’ 

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Funny Stories ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜


NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,

I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt

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OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
It read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents …’

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KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, she’s hitting the bottle.’

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MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

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POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

” Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.

‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.
‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

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POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

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ELDERLY



While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

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DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

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DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

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SCHOOL



A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

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BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered,
‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’



















Mystic Poet ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

โ€œSIGNIFICANT TOUCH, NOW, FOREVER!โ€ a poem a.k.a.: โ€œBedbugs Unite(d)!โ€ November 2, 2018, Friday! {Large acrylic: โ€œAbstract: Jack and Rose, Together!โ€}

The importance of TOUCH – is well documented,

Existence itself – must-be – supplemented,

By stroking (and) caressing! Please! DO-hold-your-baby,

And, when we are older, it ISNโ€™T a maybe:

YOU NEED TO HAVE OTHERS – TO TOUCH YOUR SWEET BODY;

The absence of SUCH – is clearly quite naughty!

Yet-thereโ€™s-a-tendency, I think – in SOME social views,

To-obscure touchโ€™s-importance! And-give-the-body โ€œTHE BLUES!โ€

Science HAS established – we (all) need lots of touch,

So bodies can thrive – and-be-happy-very-much!

Our bodies need: good-food, sun-warmth, rest – and-wind,

Movement and cleaning – Yet! Please-donโ€™t-offend,

For touch must be lovely – expected – (and)-inspired;

Bodies want: safety – and-LOVE! Theyโ€™re HARD-WIRED!

So – find you some friends – who are touchy and feely,

And โ€œgrapple-them-to-thy-soul(s),*โ€ and assure them that REALLY,

Youโ€™re happy to see them – you love them – and like,

Their presence and bodies! Plus-endorphins-doth-spike!

Yes!-Chemicals-emerge – when thereโ€™s touch and embrace,

And it makes things MUCH nicer – in-this unusual place,

Where thereโ€™s punching – and poking – and needles – and probes,

And this is quite frightโ€™ning, for we-can-become-โ€œphobes!โ€**

For some [folks] touch unkindly – in various ways,

But, hopefully, your-touches – will-be-good all your days!

And THIS – brings us NOW – to-a-most-important-thing:

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! who – much joy can bring!

For your partner is-critical, spending quality time,

Soothing! with-loving-touch and – sometimes-words that-do-rhyme!

SIGNIFICANT TOUCH, see-and-taste, smell-and-hear,

Is all SO IMPORTANT!

โ€œI LOVE YOU, My Dear, for somehow our bodies have made us be one; being with YOU is a whole lot of fun, when our days can be spent – with cherish and passion!โ€

SIGNIFICANT TOUCH is always in fashion!

โ€œSO, KISS ME AND HOLD ME – Iโ€™LL ASK YOU TODAY, and HOPE FOR YOUR TOUCH – โ€œFOREVER!โ€ I say.

fin <3

โ€œInside and outside! (pause) OH! All around! And you-know, you might find – (itโ€™s)-toward Heaven youโ€™re bound!โ€ The Mystic Poet.

โ€œAND – a final note here! You CAN touch yourself too!! (Itโ€™s)-called-LOVING-YOURSELF, and itโ€™s SO GOOD for you!โ€ The Mystic Poet.

    • from Wm. Shakespeareโ€™s โ€œHamlet I, iii!โ€

** – Having a fear of something – like touching! ๐Ÿ™

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Mothers Milk ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

BIOLOGY EXAM:

This is straight from Scotland.  Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.  

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

  • Funny ~
    A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns. The accountant says, 'Before we begin, … Read more
  • Funny Stories ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.She was … Read more
  • Mystic Poet ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    โ€œSIGNIFICANT TOUCH, NOW, FOREVER!โ€ a poem a.k.a.: โ€œBedbugs Unite(d)!โ€ November 2, 2018, Friday! {Large acrylic: โ€œAbstract: Jack and Rose, Together!โ€} The importance of TOUCH – is … Read more
  • Mothers Milk ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…
    BIOLOGY EXAM:This is straight from Scotland.  Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's … Read more
  • Testicle Therapy
    Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the … Read more

Testicle Therapy

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,โ€™ she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

โ€˜Feels great,โ€™ he replied; โ€˜but I still think my thumb’s broken!โ€™

One of my first “Lonely Hearts”. Enjoy peeps. By Facebook ๐Ÿ˜ป๐Ÿ˜‚

I tell it like it was ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Š

When I was a child I can still remember looking up at a man just like him. My father looked down at me. I was under the shadows of that giantic belly. Thats all I could see, no face, nothing! To my Father’s embrassment I still to this day see Dad’s face flush a crimson yellow. Gushing, “oh my goodness gracious wow said the little bird that’s huge ballon you have there, MR HOTEL. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ AS THE STORY GOES ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚ he was the retiring Commissioner Of the Police Force ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ oh, what a day that was. Dad scooped me up ( 2 foot little kid) and ran. ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚