Category Archives: DIARY OF A MAD MAN

Diary of a Mad Man 🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴

58. You can only understand bet-ween-ness IF you’re in it. WHAT IS AWAKENING? to SIMPLIFY! (Shaktipat) The Stopping of Looking – – – being immersed in the truth of I AM THAT . . . The ONLY AWARENESS is God awareness – – – it is ALL that’s going on. this is NOT philosophizing – self-evident – laid out – CRUSHED TO DUST BY LOVE – realizing, truly, that GOD is LOVE. The World Truly becomes poignant . . . be prepared to live with a broken, vulnerable heart – – – everything gets in and everything is you. – – – EVERYTHING’S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY = THAT IS AWAKENING & that is absolutely NOT awakening, because IT IS BEYOND DESCRIPTION. THOUGHTS ARE really significant, but ONLY if you give them significance. FEELINGS, on the other hand, are something else. – what? I do not know. Bi-polarity is BEING REALLY INTERESTED v. BEING REALLY NOT INTERESTED. Is polarity simply pointed awareness? Is not that being AWAKENED? Whatever is writing must not be aware or awakened!! it’s still asking questions! Interesting – Bart Marshall, self-proclaimed Awakened one, agrees with me, saying something like: the Absolute seems to be drawn to real JUICY (he calls them) Experiencing. My guess or belief was: Unmanifest Divinity gets into REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING stuff, good or bad, happy or sad, pleasant or terrible, It DOESN’T MATTER. Bart Marshall quote: The Heart of the matter is: this NOW moment contains ALL, but we do tell (stories?) & one of these stories is: X – – – for me, this X is part of my story: J D & Sheri Robin (my ex-wife) are apparently on the phone . . . dot, dot, dot . . . What (or who(m)) is THE GUIDE – ? Who or what is the Sat – Guru – is he / is she in or out? real or not real? Inner voice? Which Voice. A: Isn’t the sat-guru everything and anything You take it to be . . . or nothing but an urge? Sat-guru: Whatever keeps you on the path of (your) Heart (The topic of Bart Marshall’s Talk – YouTube TAT, less than an hour). {I think it is a wonderful video – but I DON’T recommend it – mainly, because I do not think I recommend anything anymore – except, maybe, “Follow your heart, whatever that means to you!”} The sat-guru, YOUR sat-guru is close to and/or allied with your feelings (perhaps all of them – perhaps even & maybe especially with your so-called negative ones) – maybe the sat-guru is not so much related to your thoughts, but somewhat maybe. Maybe this has to do with – Should I go with my heart or mind, with my feelings or thoughts,(?) Most of the so-called “spiritual” folks recommend (to) go predominantly with the heart, but maybe not always. Who knows? “The purpose of life IS this moment, whole & complete!” Bart Marshall. “THE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS THIS: The conscious union with our source” Douglas Harding. I heard something neat: WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS; WE ARE BEING BEINGS. {or, I wonder, perhaps: Beings being!? Who knows!}


Diary of a mad man🕴🕴🕴🕴

(3) (page) 45 . . . and with glimmers of all these things, but not sensing the game is over, we continue in a false sense of hope that, we are human and will never just be eliminated . . . someone will “save” us . . . and we’ll just try to keep things going as best we can and it’s not to late and we’ll pull this (off – or – out-of-the-hat) – we always have – we’ll just make some adjustments – like using more solar power (which then requires more technology, being implemented with more metal and glass and plastic, continuing to rape the earth – which is just raping US more & more) and switching from mercury amalgam to BPA-intensive white fillings and growing more organic food ( which is only as organic as we can make it because of all the toxins in the air and water and soil – the “organic” food has to grow somewhere and to grow it we’ll have to use whatever air & water is available). It really is over . . . now . . . unless “someone” or something “saves” us. The only salvation for us is what “nature” does when “an organism” becomes too big for its britches – It eliminates it. i.e.: It kills itself and we are IT – we have met the enemy, and they is us. whether we ever realized it (and some have, but too late), we’re all in this together. We would all be in diapers soon, uttering unintelligible sounds, but . . . .

The Contented Heart – page 44“By Golly, Some Day I’m Gonna Be Enlightened Too – Yay!”🕴🕴🕴🕴

  1. (2) The Rulers of the slaves are themselves slaves. Slavery encompasses everyone and every thing. The die is cast. Once the process began, it was inevitable, short of extinction. IF the “rulers” knew they were enslaving & have enslaved themselves, they would have stopped, but in their calculating insanity, they would & could not and, even, if they realized what they were doing, now they can’t stop. It’s like putting fillings in your mouth – You do it because you can & you’re trying to stop the decay. You realize afterward that, although the fillings were put in with noble intent, to your horror, they’re poisonous, now, short of ripping them out, they have become basically inherent in your body & the entire body is breaking down. The earth is losing its consciousness now too – It is becoming “insane,” losing the ability to care for itself, the processes it once did easily, without thinking are all breaking down. Like me, like us all, it can barely bathe itself any more. It is falling apart (toxins on the glaciers). Can’t give itself a clean drink of water (the fish are turning belly up). It is having panic attacks & emotional outbursts (earthquakes and volcanic eruptions) and we are all standing around watching, oblivious to the fact that, as humans, our past and present actions are doing it all [note: 07/12/18 You know, I’m full of shit! All this “propaganda” may well be technically or apparently true, but, remember, Gentle Reader(s), the exact opposite of what I am saying is also “true!” Apart from all this chaos, order and sensibility are also right there. AND – everything I have just said is rubbish, so ENJOY YOUR SLAVERY! ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM, for they are the same thing. And, try to remember, you are just fine – you are human, you are an apparent mess, an apparent, brilliant job of engineering, and nothing at all – so there! AND – IF you want to imagine something completely different, FEEL FREE!] 🙂 -Yea!

Diary of a MADMAN!! p. 43!!🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴🕴

The EARTH is APPARENTLY being poisoned – air, water, plants, animals . . . humans . . me. Everything toxic – Infection(s) & poison, spreading from my mouth, throughout my body. My mind – is going. A week or so ago, I forgot what year it is; a few days ago, I forgot what state Chicago is in. I’ll be in diapers shortly, uttering unintelligible sounds. Whether all this is happening by some power elite’s design or just from the stupidity of greedy, ignorant people, bent on supporting their own self-interests, matters none. Solar power, electric cars, GMO food, fluoridation, BPA in our food and fillings, more and more pharmaceutical drugs in us and our water. It’s a Brave New World; it was prophesized and here it is; genetic engineering of food & animals . . . and of humans. Everyone (is) just trying to continue with their silly business, glued to their televisions, their iPads and computers and, of course, their iPhones. Going to the store, for more toxic food, to the gas pumps and to the sporting arenas, the concerts, or movies or churches or cubicles: life is good, this slavery is good – we will expect a fine reward in the after-life, where we can expect to meet our celebrities, our doctors and dentists, our politicians, our gods, and, as I fade into oblivion, if Aunt Alice is still alive when I become unconscious, whether my body is still “alive,” or not, I will hear her speak her “mantra:” (too bad about our nephew Jay,) “IT WAS GOD’S WILL!”


  1. Processing anything even more impossible. Why? How? Help! Stop! Can’t – Shouldn’t / sooner or later ALL has to be faced) – Inevitable – Scream – Sad. Cry – DO SOMETHING!” The American MANTRA . . . When do YOU finally stop THIS? When results appear over time to be destructive or counter-productive? IF you don’t like the net result, isn’t it best to continue with the DO SOMETHING STRATEGY (seeking for change for change’s sake or to conform to expected norms?) How can you stop seeking? Isn’t STOPPING SEEKING still seeking . . . seeking to find out what will happen if you stop? Of course, I’ve been over this before, again & again. Processing, processing . . . EXCITE(ment) {does not equal} Real Happiness . . . Peace is real happiness. You’re suffering because you enjoy it! Can you be suffering & still, in the midst of it, be cheerful? CHEERFUL for/with your suffering. – That’s some great trick: the trick of the successful mystic (?!) SAM’s in church (out of habit?) habit? – maybe, BUT – is that bad? Church = BIG distraction for some; maybe very valuable for others. I guess anything can be truly valuable for an organism IF approached/experienced properly. It’s really a matter of GRACE that the experience turns out to be valuable (isn’t it!?) = GOOD LUCK. What’s good luck; what’s bad luck – WHO KNOWS?”! Doesn’t it balance in the end? Therefore, NOT to take something as GOOD or BAD, to just trreat it impartially is yet another recurring theme in this journal. GOOD or BAD – Not Good, not bad, daily meals, tooth pain, condition of body, of mind – How to have equanimity when SUFFERING CONDITION IS AT EXTREME, AGITATION without just trying to manipulate/suppress the situation – which DOES NOT WORK anymore. MOM – (outside) on (the) chair, on the back porch, sunglasses & coffee – So is this me – I’m looking at myself – role: “responsible” mother, in (her) 80’s, doing exercises . . . I [LOVE] HER – therefore, I despise myself – I THINK this is a very bad state of mind – BUT IS IT? I FEEL that way. Must be some reason . Why not just accept the feeling (not good, not bad) – just a feeling, to be accepted as a process, or part of a process. Of what value is ALL this? who knows! Maybe no value. Then what is the reason it is happening? Purely for experience? Is it a drama for angels watching? . . . or a sit-com? A learning video for What? NOW, Sam returns = The Unholy Trinity together again; well, that’s negative! Who knows, maybe this reunion is ( ) lucky or VALUABLE. Don’t know! What do I know!? That I seem to be stuck?! in this house OF SUFFERING . . . of my own device (?) – MAYBE. PROBABLY? {Le sigh!}


  1. BLACK MAGIC – anything seemingly mysterious or miraculous . . . A POEM ENTITLED: “Cause – Effect – Fate – Coincidence & Predestination!” When I sit, my nose runs. Does it run because I sit? // IF, whenever I sit, it starts to run, SURELY it is so!! BUT – in my fairy tale are MANY sprites, that dance with me // One sprite is the sprite of sitting; whenever he wills me to sit, I do, thinking, mistakenly, that I have commanded the action somehow // Immediately the sprite of running noses taps me and IT flows. // They are playing a game with me // Next season, the sprite of running noses will plot with the other sprite to reverse roles. when you meditate, it will become clear: You sit; you tap; you will; you run; you play the game – it’s lots of fun. Who is meditating me NOW?Well . . . would you believe: “Open, Sesame?!” * ❤


‘Tis a magical phrase, which opens a cavern . . . . in which forty sneaky, little b – – – – – – s have hidden a special treasure. A treasure! OK! Yup! 🙂 Maybe for Valentine’s Day! ❤

And sometimes there is a magical lamp too . . . . with a genie that comes out . . . and . . . yes . . . grants you wishes!**

** : Be careful what you wish for, Sports Fans . . . you might just get it! 🙂