Stop and listen 🤗
I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.
II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.
III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.
INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!
Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.
EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).
HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).
1) Tell me about yourself.
EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.
HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.
2) Why do you want this job?
EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.
HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.
*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.
3) What special skill do you have?
EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.
HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.
4) What is your greatest weakness?
EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.
HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.
5) What are your communication skills?
EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.
HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.
*How did I end up here in this Tophet?
6) What are your hobbies?
EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.
HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?
7) Where do you see yourself in five years?
EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.
HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.
8) What is your idea of teamwork?
EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.
HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.
9) Tell me about your professional experience.
EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.
HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.
10) What are your salary expectations?
EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.
HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.
11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you?
EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.
HA- Arrogance. End of story.
Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead
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No self-published author should publish their work without paying a professional to edit it first. Even if you’re hoping to traditionally publish your book, the agent or publisher will be looking for a polished sample that engages them with the story, not the several typos on page one alone.
But what if you don’t have the money to pay for an editor? Or what if you want to keep your costs down by doing as much editing on your own as you can? The better you can make your novel on your own, the better your editor can help you make it together. Think of it like football: Get the ball as far down the field as you can, then pass the ball to your editor. Together you can go for goal.
If you want people to actually read what you’ve written, you must master the art of ferociously self-editing your own manuscript.
These days, anyone can get anything printed. It doesn’t even have to be good. If you have the money, you can find someone who will print whatever you submit as is.
So you must separate yourself from the competition by ensuring your manuscript is the absolute best it can be.
Yes, a traditional publisher will have its own editors and proofreaders. But to even get that far, your manuscript has to be better than a thousand other submissions they receive per day. Can it do that?
And if you’re self-publishing, the only way to stand out against even more competition is by ferociously editing your own book until it’s as crisp and clean as possible – it has to be as professional as anything that big publisher who turned you down can churn out.
There’s little worse than a self-published book that looks like one.
So, You Must Learn How to Edit a Book
Whether you’re going to hire an editor, or hope to be assigned one by a traditional publisher, your responsibility is to get your book manuscript to the highest level it can be before you pass it on.
Never settle for, “That’s the best I can do; now fix it for me.”
Why should they?
Because sadly, if you attempt the traditional publishing route, you could pour your whole life into a manuscript and get no more than five minutes of an editor’s time before your book is rejected.
Sounds unfair, doesn’t it?
But as one who has been on both sides of the desk for more than two decades, let me tell you there are reasons for it:
Why Publishers Reject Your Manuscript After Reading Just Two Pages
Editors can tell within a page or two how much editing would be required to make a manuscript publishable; if it would take a lot of work in every sentence, the labor cost alone would disqualify it.
An editor can tell immediately whether a writer understands what it means to grab a reader by the throat and not let go.
Have too many characters been introduced too quickly?
Does the writer understand and utilize point of view?
Is the setting and tone interesting?
Do we have a sense of where the story is headed, or is there too much throat clearing? (This is a literary term for a chapter or story that starts with pages of description or scene setting but no actual action.)
Is the story subtle and evocative, or is it on-the-nose?
Yes, a professional editor can determine all this with a quick read of the first two to three pages. They want your story to stand out, and no amount of beautifully descriptive prose is going to hide the fact that you don’t have a sufficient plot.
If you find yourself saying, “But they didn’t even get to the good stuff,” then you need to put the good stuff earlier in your manuscript.
So today, I want to zero in on tight writing and self-editing. It will help you as a writer, and lower the costs when hiring a professional editor – after all, the less they have to do, the less they will charge.
If you’re ready to learn how to edit your own book before hiring a professional, take a look at my FREE self-editing guide that will take you through each aspect of your story, from plot, to characters, to sentence structure to point of view. The more boxes you can check for your manuscript, the leaner, meaner, and more ready it will be for submission to an editor, publisher or reader.
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How to Build Self-Esteem After a Verbally Abusive Relationship
Moving on after a verbally abusive relationship is challenging because your abuser has convinced you that your character is somehow deficient. Verbal abuse can leave you with enduring psychological wounds; scars that can influence every part of your life and damage your self-esteem. Best-selling author, Patricia Evans, founded the Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute in order to emphasize the devastating consequences of verbal abuse. She says, “Verbal abuses creates emotional pain and mental anguish. It is a lie told to you or about you. Generally, verbal abuse defines people telling them what they are, what they think, their motives, and so forth.”
Confront the pain. Allow yourself to express any negative emotions you have towards your abuser. Face your anger and sadness. Recognize that the abuse wasn’t a result of your deficiencies, but a result of your abuser’s defects.
Don’t attempt to hide your emotions. Repressing the anger can force you to simply accept the abuse as a reality, rather than allowing yourself to face the devastating consequences of the manipulation, says psychoanalyst Jane Bolton. She says that by suppressing the resentment, you’re allowing your abuser to hold emotional control over you. As a result, the “…internal pressure builds up until the self-suppressing can no longer hold and emotional eruption follow.” Subsequently, she says, you feel “…remorse, shame, and self-esteem plummets.”
Direct your feelings towards a constructive outlet. Find an active means by which you can express your frustrations. Engage in activities that allow you to focus on your well-being and your self-improvement.
Challenge yourself by participating in new hobbies. Sign up for a half-marathon and join a marathon-training group, take martial arts classes, participate in a cooking challenge or register for an intellectually demanding class at a local college. Your abuser has controlled you through domination and submission techniques, says social scientist and educator, Michael J. Formica. Give yourself an opportunity to recognize your strengths and prove that you can achieve success, even when you’re presented with a difficult task.
Give and receive support. Find a support group for victims of abuse. Not only can you receive help for coping with your suffering, but you can also assist others in their journey through the pain. Empathizing with others can produce a healing effect in victims, says Bolton.
She says that the ability to recognize a need for understanding and compassion in regard to others can “…heal and support blossoming of the self and relationships.” Be open and honest within the group by sharing your experiences and receiving feedback from other victims who have shared some of the same hardships—you’re not alone. Bolton says that when you see someone who’s attempting to understand how you feel, it can give you a “…burst of hope, optimism and energy. That renewed energy brings us closer to being able to act upon what we need…” and permits you to take care of your physical and emotional needs.
Replace negative self-talk. Replace the negative thoughts or words in your head with positive self-affirmations. Remind yourself that you were strong enough to leave the abuse and move on with your life.
Make a list of what has changed since you left the relationship and compare it to your life when you were absorbed in the abuse. Focus on your needs and do whatever it is that allows you to feel a sense of joy and accomplishment. Psychologist Daniel Tomasulo says that you should take time each day to identify and ponder the positive aspects in your life. He says that if you focus on moments of happiness or inspiration, you can transfer your “…mindset toward finding and savoring the good things in our life which, in turn, allows for a genuine resilience in our spirit, mind, and body.”