The “M” Word….by comedian Jeff Foxworthy

The “M” Word….by comedian Jeff Foxworthy



Have you ever wondered why itโ€™s OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, red necks, etc., but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?



Well, it’s time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list.



So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list โ€ฆ



If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.



If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.



If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.



If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.



If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.



If you can’t think of anyone that you haven’t declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.



If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.



If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.



If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.



If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem here in America โ€ฆbut if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.



HISTORICAL FACT



Who says building a border wall wonโ€™t work…The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans!

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ย  Straight men – whats straight about men lol – some have Daddly long legs ๐Ÿฆต Some have kissing lips that drive you mad as hell.

LETTER TO MY HUSBAND

Straight men share why they love having sex in public toilets 10.20 am โ€˜I was on the train with this girl Iโ€™d been on a date with. We were snogging in the toilet, with my hand up her dress, when the door opened. โ€˜A middle-aged man in a suit was standing there reading the paper, and he looked at me in shock, like, โ€œwhat the -?โ€ then his expression changed to, โ€œnice one mate!โ€ โ€˜I think it was pretty obvious I hadnโ€™t lost my keys up there. I was frantically pushing the buttons to close the door, and luckily it all happened so quickly that I donโ€™t think she realised.โ€™ This is just one of the toilet trysts Ianโ€™s had, since nearly losing his virginity in the ladiesโ€™ loo of his local nightclub as a teenager. He remembers, โ€˜the floor was so slippery it became a laugh fest as we were all over the place. But we ended up doing it in bed a week later, so it did have a successful ending!โ€™ Ian has since gone on to have numerous saucy encounters with women in public loos โ€“ and heโ€™s not the only multiple offender. While getting jiggy in a public toilet is usually associated with gay men having anonymous sex, there are plenty of heterosexual couples connecting crotches in cubicles. Whereas cottaging emerged in less liberal times as a way for men to meet men (with secret signals to communicate their intentions), heteros with perfectly good homes to shag in are sneaking into toilets for the thrill of it. David was on a bar crawl with his girlfriend of a few weeks, when they had sex in the menโ€™s room at The Barfly in Camden. He says,โ€™it was quite early on in the night and we didnโ€™t want to wait until we got home.โ€™ David checked the coast was clear, then they rushed in and did the deed. David says: โ€˜Someone saw us come out, but we walked straight to the bar as if nothing happened. We felt a bit giddy โ€“ the dive bar vibes made it feel illicit โ€“ and it brought back teenage memories of sneaking around.โ€™ David sees his night at The Barfly as the start of โ€˜being a bit of an exhibitionist.โ€™ Having split up with his Barfly co-conspirator, David went upmarket with his next girlfriend, treating her to toilet sex at Le Meridien Hotel on Piccadilly. โ€˜Weโ€™d been seeing each other for about a year,โ€™ he says, โ€˜and we were in town drinking cocktails in the hotel bar. We were feeling a bit amorous and getting a bit handsy โ€“ thatโ€™s when I said, โ€œshall weโ€ฆ?โ€โ€˜ David was surprised when his girlfriend said yes. โ€˜At first she wasnโ€™t sure if I was serious, but when I said I was, we went for it.โ€™ Having been to the hotel before, David knew his way round, and so leaving their coats and bags in the bar, they slipped off for sex in the menโ€™s cloakrooms. โ€˜Itโ€™s a five star hotel, so nothing was going to go missing,โ€™ remembers David. โ€˜And there was no worry about cleanliness. Afterwards, we went back to the bar to finish our drinks.โ€™ Davidโ€™s third lavatory love-in was at Victoria station, after a trip to Winter Wonderland. Still in a relationship with Miss Meridien, David says: โ€˜weโ€™d had a few mulled wines, and Amaretto hot chocolates, so we were feeling happy and horny, and couldnโ€™t wait until we got home.โ€™ They looked for somewhere secluded on the way from Hyde Park Corner to Victoria station, but didnโ€™t find anywhere. So when they arrived at Victoria with 20 minutes to spare, they โ€˜passed the time in the disabled toilet.โ€™ While Davidโ€™s always slipped under the radar, Ianโ€™s had issues every time. (Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk After ending up in a Portaloo with a woman heโ€™d met in a pub, Ian found himself putting on a sex show for passersby in Leicester Square. โ€˜I was getting a blowjob โ€“ my eyes were closed and she had her back to the door,โ€™ explains Ian. โ€˜When I opened my eyes, I saw the door had come open and people were walking past laughing.โ€™ On another occasion, Ian had the opposite problem โ€“ he found himself locked in. He says: โ€˜I was in the Spice of Life pub in Soho with a work colleague. Weโ€™d been drinking for four hours and I was feeling really randy. She kept putting her hand in my lap, then when I went to the loo she headed me off and dragged me into the ladies. Somehow we were in there for about an hour. Ian came out of the toilet to find the pub was empty and the doors were locked. โ€˜I went through to the kitchen and kept walking until I found someone,โ€™ he says. โ€˜They said, โ€œget a feckinโ€™ room next time!โ€โ€˜ Toby, who describes himself as an exhibitionist whoโ€™s, โ€˜spontaneous when I get the hornโ€™ had toilet sex at The Terrace, a Wimbledon bar thatโ€™s since closed. โ€˜It wasnโ€™t planned, but protection was used,โ€™ he says. Having met his date on Gumtree, Toby agreed to meet her in The Terrace at lunchtime as it was near where they both worked. โ€˜From the messages weโ€™d sent, sex was definitely on the cards,โ€™ he explains, although he hadnโ€™t expected it to happen at lunchtime. โ€˜Weโ€™d actually agreed to meet again after work, but she had something come up, so it was either now or rearrange for another day. โ€˜We were both horny so we jumped into the toilet. It was a pretty quiet bar so I think most people guessed โ€“ and she squirted when she came, so it was actually quite handy we were in a toilet.โ€™ (Illustraion: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk) Spurred on by his lunchtime shag, Toby arranged another rendezvous, this time for after work with a woman heโ€™d met on Craigslist. He says: โ€˜she didnโ€™t want to host or come to mine, so we agreed to do it in the toilet at Starbucks.โ€™ The unisex loo meant they had more space โ€“ but it also kept other customers waiting. โ€˜Someone banged on the door,โ€™ says Toby. โ€˜We ignored it at first and initially we didnโ€™t hurry up, but then they knocked a second time and that put me off. โ€˜My heart was racing because I was nervous weโ€™d been caught. I was worried Starbucks would open the door and see me butt naked having sex!โ€™ The experience hasnโ€™t put Toby off though: โ€˜Iโ€™d do it again, although not many girls will have sex in a toilet โ€“ and there are other โ€œoutsideโ€ places I prefer.โ€™ Ian feels the same: โ€˜Of course Iโ€™d do it again! Itโ€™s passionate, hot and a bit naughty. If youโ€™re prepared to have sex in a toilet, you know youโ€™re into each other. David, meanwhile, says: โ€˜itโ€™s definitely something I wouldnโ€™t mind repeating although now Iโ€™m a bit older Iโ€™d like somewhere fancier โ€“ The Shard would be awesome.โ€™ โ€˜Toilets arenโ€™t the most romantic of places, but they have the advantage of being the most private commonly available space. โ€˜It can be quite a thrill as thereโ€™s always the possibility of being caught.โ€™ For anyone considering sex in the loos, James offers some advice. โ€˜Itโ€™s probably not a good idea to mention it to a new partner,โ€™ he suggests. โ€˜Once youโ€™ve started having normal sex together, you could try going for a few drinks and then see if you can persuade them while in the moment. โ€˜If you try to discuss it before, they might see it as a bit too much. โ€˜If you are in a long term relationship, anything you can do to spice things up is going to have some benefit. In this case, you could talk about it first or else it may seem out of character. If you are both in agreement, the excitement of doing something a bit naughty could work wonders. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, Preece adds: โ€˜Whatever you do, just remember to wash your hands afterwards!โ€™

Anyway I Made this up๐Ÿ‘

Time needed:ย 5 days, 23 hours and 6 minutes.

Letter to my husband

  1. Coming home

    Home is a place where you find trust hope and comfort all the days of you life

  2. HUG

    Hugging relieves stress enjoy the endorphins sending shivers down your spin

  3. Thoughts

    Saturate your thoughts of blissfully being held long after he fell asleep
    Glance over take a look and smile

LITTLE GIRLS BECOME WOMEN

@bestofnatureblog
Little girls grow up

STORY TIME ~ was it nice in heaven Sir

For one thing Fred sha’n’t get into that kind of muss if I can save him from it.

“There’s enough like that kind, though,” interrupted Uncle Peter.

Who among you ever received an injury from that kind old man?

It’s a good game if that’s the kind of a game you’re huntin’ fur.

All the sailors had a kind word for him, and many were the praises which he received in the forecastle.

Still, one kind of food cloys after a time, and so our new settlers found it.

We accepted his kind invitation to make ourselves his guests while we remained.

There is a kind of beauty that seems made to be painted on ivory, and such was hers.

He was as kind and obliging as it was possible to be in his circumstances.

But how wonderful and quick my touch has got, and how kind is heaven there, sir!

JFASTEREFT MODERN IMPRESSIONIST POET ~ Thoughts of yesterday long ago in the land of denial of sexuality long gone

โ€œBODY-MIND BALANCING ACT!โ€ December 18, 2017

Thereโ€™re-doubtless-dimensions-where-they โ€œoverthink!โ€-โ€THEYโ€

Never-get-outta-their-head!

On Planet โ€œAnalysis 3 point 2 Oh,โ€ their bodies are sure good as dead!

And, on Planet โ€œAnalโ€ (prounced โ€œaw-nah-l), they doNโ€™T overthink,

Because-there-thatโ€™s-what-everyone-does!

But-they-dream of their bodies as tools of use

Why do they dream? Just be-cause!

Just-because-โ€Godโ€-likes to think-through-things-too –

And, often, She stays in her head.

And may not take food or a rest – toilet break?

And may not sleep long in her bed.

But we are NOT there (pause) On planet ANAL (prounced โ€œaw-nah-l!โ€)

We are in 3 – DD Space,

So, if my eyes bulge, when you take off your blouse,

Itโ€™s OK – weโ€™re

THE (pause)

HUMAN RACE!

fin. <3

LETTER TO MY HUSBAND ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

My HUSBAND is beautiful inside and out
I bet he reads my blog (not really sure he does)
My Mother told us kids a story long ago
Oh, yeah we were rich kids
Mother said โ€œif Our Dad had no money she would live on a riverbank with Dadโ€
Yes, I still remember those twinkling eyes of blue and her red lipstick, diamonds on her hands.
Mum always said the โ€œtruthโ€
Dad treated her as his Queen
She had it all, yet Mum didn’t have monetary thoughts.
Even as a child (runt of the litter) my Mothers word’s
still haunt me today
Yes, as kids we were so blessed to have been born into a loving family where PEACE reined supreme
Last night while my husband slept I watched over him smiling thinking about my Mother.
Yes, she was so HAPPY
AND I UNDERSTAND WHY
I fell in love with my husband just like she did
He loved her just the way she was
Money is the root of evil.
My husband is perfectly suited to me cause he places no importance on wealth or creed
My husband moves like a visual panther always calm
I would be anything or sleep anywhere he went just like my Mother
I to am blessed just like my Mother
Mothers always knows best ๐Ÿ˜
Good night
Hello you
Here we go again

Womanโ€™s thoughts ~

@bestofnatureblog
I am woman i am strong
Iโ€™m not going back
I

JFASTEREFT MODERN IMPRESSIONIST POET

WELL, TIME is a jealous mistress! But, we can only really try! To MAKE IT – on-or-with-time! (pause) By and by! ๐Ÿ˜

WE ALL COME WITH BAGAGE AND TITLES, SOME STAMPED WITH ALL KINDS OF INHERITED INGRAINED STAMPS ON OUR BRAINS ~

It doesnโ€™t matter if you have baggage, you certainly wonโ€™t have any baggage

One thing you may be sure of you wonโ€™t be the only one

But you may be the one and only for your soulmate

That you can be sure of

Your soulmate will love you because you have traveled the journey through ruff times and good times called โ€œbaggage โ€œ

Youโ€™re journey was incredibly brave

You made it full of wisdom and kindness

You are the one she was wanting, baggage and all

A LETTER TO MY HUSBAND ยฉ

GRATEFUL

A good person will always be in your memory.
A better person will be in your dreams.
But the best person will be in your heart.๐Ÿ’™

MAD HATER {S}!

“MAD HATER{S}!” a poem June 6, 2019 (Thursday)

Identifying a misanthrope – is not always very easy,

For often the typical hater of humans – acts soft and kind of “please-y,”

Adopting “positivity” as their professed point of view,

When their REAL mission is life – is: simply CHANGING YOU!

They would like to change you into everything – that you are really NOT!

“Escape! Get out! Change yourself! I’ll control – your every thought!”

The misanthrope wants PERFECTION, and this is nothing new!

Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Putin have thought the whole thing through!!

THEY-will make The Masses – into their image, and-then-The-World-will-be-fine!

They say: “Humans, as-they-exist, are inadequate! certainly NOT DIVINE!

People are imperfect, stupid and dull – a scourge upon The Earth!”

But misanthropes tend to overlook: They’re-also-human, from their birth!

It’s true that ONE DAY – humans may come up extinct,

And, of course, my friends and neighbors: WE MAY BE ON “THE BRINK;”

However, we-ARE pretty interesting! goofy! and often extremely-cute!

At-least-we-are to our mothers, as soon as we pop out of the[ir] chute!

fin <3

SADOMASOCHISM 101 ~ B. SATIRES

“SADOMASOCHISM 101!” a poem June 6, 2019 (Thursday)

A glutton [free?] for punishment!! “A glutton! Free? I AM?’

said Jesus, son of Mary – and-St.-Joseph [Mo.] ahem!

He sent The Holy Moley – to many people in This State;

It’s a fine state of confusion, but kiddies you must wait!

For, if you want lots of “spirit” to guide your little lives,

Be graceful – and quite tolerant – from Tupalo [Miss.] to St. Ives!

How can anyone be serious-around-her in this “Menagerie of Glass?”

Trump, with Charles, May and The Queen! My gosh, it is so crass!

They talk of amazing issues, like excess surplus from friendly trade;

What a bunch of jokers! (pause) Someone grab the “Raid,”

And spray (1) a pr[e]aying Trump; (2) a winking Camilla; (3) vermin-of-many-types!

THIS WORLD, with us humans, is a Divine Comedy! O. M. G.! and – Yipes!

Put you on – an evening gown! a nice suit! and some shoes,

And, suddenly, people are acting – as if they can not lose!

Jammed! with anti-depressants – and lobsters from The Coast,

With just enough sleep to keep going – and some butter on our toast,

We can all really think we can make this joke quite “real,”

With non-stop “cell reception” and AFFIRMATIONS – to-deal,

With death – and diseases and taxes! The Buddha would be well pleased,

To know that diverse religions – have got us “humming” like the bees!

We are waiting for our just reward, in Heaven or Nirvana,

And, as we wait, we’re-all-sc—ing: “I love this person I’m on-a,

ALL TIME HIGH! Oh, yes! I’m sure I’ll live forever!

It rained last night, but now-The-Sun shines! Yes, it’s splendid weather!

And as we dance and sing and spend bi-ll-ions of bucks,

We shall forget, as we drive along, that we might die from trucks,

That we’re passing on the highway, exceeding all speed laws,

Rushing to our friendly grocers, carrying organic food!-with-NO-FLAWS!

Eat and drink and party – for tomorrow – YOU MIGHT DIE,

And then you’ll-resurrect-like-Jesus! (pause) Here’s wet-dirt-in-your-eye!

fin <3

Letter to my husband ~ smile ๐Ÿ˜Š

ย 

Love
Does it really matter who falls in love and says I love you first? I donโ€™t think so.

In love, both men and women are equal. But, itโ€™s also kind of cute and sweet to know that your partner was the first one to feel and say it.

Many believe, and I even thought so, that itโ€™s the girls who first get emotionally attached to men and thus, they fall in love first too. But, findings from a study on relationships prove us all wrong.

In a research published in The Journal of Social Psychology, 172 college students were asked to answer several questions including โ€œIn your most recent romantic relationship, how long did it take you to realize you were in love?โ€ and โ€œIn your most recent committed, romantic relationship, who said โ€˜I love youโ€™ first?โ€

Surprisingly and contrary to what we probably all expected, their responses showed that men fall in love faster than women and itโ€™s also the men who first say the magic word โ€œI love youโ€.

Their actions donโ€™t reveal they are, but men are also slaves of love.

If you are the type of a woman who doesnโ€™t like to make the first move for a relationship to prosper, well, you still have the greater chance of winning your man. Just patiently wait until he surrenders and says โ€œI love youโ€.

Though personally, I think men need a little pushing. If a girl really likes and love the guy, she should not be prevented to try her luck and tell him. What if you both are just waiting for the other to make a step, then your relationship will not grow. Besides, you wonโ€™t lose anything in doing yourself a favor by telling him how you feel.

Like I have said, in love, men and women are equal.

ย 

ย 

In love, both men and women are equal. But, itโ€™s also kind of cute and sweet to know that your partner was the first one to feel and say it. @twoheartsandminds

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ~

THE GODDESS ~

“THE GODDESS KALI ARRIVED IN TOWN YESTERDAY; SHE DOES NOT WANT TO COMPETE, SHE JUST WANTS TO WIN! DON’T WE ALL?” a poem for: Thursday, 6 June 2019 a.k.a.: “No-o-o-o-o! YES!”

“DON’T TAUNT ME! Don’t tease me! That’s MY JOB!I’ll do the teasing! If any needs to be done! I’ll- do-it, Bob!Yeah, don’t ta[u]nt me – for I HAVE TO BE FREE,To keep this play* going, in an attempt to break you, na-turally,Because, of course, I’ve got to do SOMETHING, don’t I?I AM – a girl! (pause) and I like to cry!As long as, when I taunt you, you res – pond,I think I’ll know – that we’re swimming in the same frog pond!”{aside: So, SHE’LL KEEP TAUNTING! You keep responding! Isn’t that LOVE?}He said: “No, love here is where couples scream and shout,Or, at least, The Girl[s]!” Girls love to pout,And taunt and worry and scream,And GUYS IN LOVE? We just “beam,”And say [even to friends]:”I love to look at HER! and it NEVER-ENDS!”And “The Friend,” boy or girl – shakes his-or-her-head-in-disbelief,FOR, PERHAPS, THEY’VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE!!! Love’s-a-thief!Like Kali, TRUE LOVE – steals your heart right out of your chest,And hopes that your “life” has been totally “messed!”LOVELY KALI holds her man’s heart, bloody and dripping, high in the air,And says: “I LOVE TO LOVE!” and “I DON’T CARE,How much it hurts – everyone around!I AM KALI – to H – LL we are bound!For, H – LL’s the only place where TRUE LOVE dwells!”HEAVEN’S whimpy!” at-the-top-of-her-lungs – (pause) KALI yells!TRUE LOVE HURTS! It’s such an obvious fact!Kali and The World – have a solemn, LOVE-ly pact!fin 3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQmLvpAq_kk* – The Hindu

LAYLA, or “leila,” the PLAY of The Universe, as intoxicating as wine!

LAYLA