MY FELLOW LIBERALS – Welcome to the launch of the 2019 Liberal Party election campaign. It’s a grand thing to see so many enthusiastic Liberal women here today, even if many of you seem to be impersonating empty seats. We have not chosen this auspicious date by accident. Let me explain why we’re fair dinkum about this important issue.

Liberals believe in motherhood. We believe being a mother is the one job a woman can do without supervision. Being impregnated by a white Liberal male is the highest aspiration any decent woman can have. We believe every Australian woman should have the right to become a mother. If you’re a white Christian woman whose heart’s in the right place, and as long as you don’t show too much ambition, and if you want to send your children to private school, the Liberal Party will support you all the way.

In this great party we have a saying: “Women are all right to have on tap, but not on top”. A look at the careers of Julie Bishop or Julia Banks will illustrate my point. We owe a great deal to mothers, all of whom were women. Just ask Gina Rinehart.

There’s always room for women at the highest levels of the Liberal Party. We need women to take on the tough jobs where feminine intuition and charm have a part to play. Ann Sudmalis, who regretfully is leaving our ranks, has been one of the great nodders in modern Parliamentary history, and she will be a hard act to follow. Melissa Price is a vital part of our policy platform, though for some reason journalists keep asking her difficult questions, which is why we’ve tried so hard to keep her away from the media in recent months.

Liberals know that behind every successful man there stands a woman, often his mother, or someone else’s. Peta Credlin & Vikki Campion have done sterling work to keep their conservative men toiling away at the grindstone, and we thank them for it on this historic date.

The Indue Card shows the depth of Liberal conviction when it comes to the sacred task of motherhood. This great innovation allows the women of Australia to focus on budgeting responsibly, and stops them having to worry their pretty little heads about trivial issues like freedom of personal choice.

By removing the wasteful carbon tax the Liberal Party has instantly created a resources boom, which means more jobs for men and the freedom to bear and raise children for countless young women. The money families save on power bills can be spent on new ironing boards and other helpful products to help Australian women keep their kitchens clean.

Under a Liberal Government, Australian women have never had it so good. The country needs women doing what women do best. Women make great secretaries, social workers, primary teachers, nurses, receptionists, and child-minders.

In the modern Liberal Party, girls, remember there’ll always be a place for you. It may not be the place you ‘d choose for yourself, but after all, if God had wanted women to run things, He would have made them first, wouldn’t He?

In closing, let me urge Liberal women to show their strongest stuff during this crucial week before the election. Remember, ladies, as long as you don’t forget your place is in the bedroom, not the boardroom, the party of Menzies & Fraser will always welcome you.

Now then: whose turn is it to put the kettle on?