MY FELLOW LIBERALS – Welcome to the launch of the 2019 Liberal Party election campaign. It’s a grand thing to see so many enthusiastic Liberal women here today, even if many of you seem to be impersonating empty seats. We have not chosen this auspicious date by accident. Let me explain why we’re fair dinkum about this important issue.

Liberals believe in motherhood. We believe being a mother is the one job a woman can do without supervision. Being impregnated by a white Liberal male is the highest aspiration any decent woman can have. We believe every Australian woman should have the right to become a mother. If you’re a white Christian woman whose heart’s in the right place, and as long as you don’t show too much ambition, and if you want to send your children to private school, the Liberal Party will support you all the way.

In this great party we have a saying: “Women are all right to have on tap, but not on top”. A look at the careers of Julie Bishop or Julia Banks will illustrate my point. We owe a great deal to mothers, all of whom were women. Just ask Gina Rinehart.

There’s always room for women at the highest levels of the Liberal Party. We need women to take on the tough jobs where feminine intuition and charm have a part to play. Ann Sudmalis, who regretfully is leaving our ranks, has been one of the great nodders in modern Parliamentary history, and she will be a hard act to follow. Melissa Price is a vital part of our policy platform, though for some reason journalists keep asking her difficult questions, which is why we’ve tried so hard to keep her away from the media in recent months.

Liberals know that behind every successful man there stands a woman, often his mother, or someone else’s. Peta Credlin & Vikki Campion have done sterling work to keep their conservative men toiling away at the grindstone, and we thank them for it on this historic date.

The Indue Card shows the depth of Liberal conviction when it comes to the sacred task of motherhood. This great innovation allows the women of Australia to focus on budgeting responsibly, and stops them having to worry their pretty little heads about trivial issues like freedom of personal choice.

By removing the wasteful carbon tax the Liberal Party has instantly created a resources boom, which means more jobs for men and the freedom to bear and raise children for countless young women. The money families save on power bills can be spent on new ironing boards and other helpful products to help Australian women keep their kitchens clean.

Under a Liberal Government, Australian women have never had it so good. The country needs women doing what women do best. Women make great secretaries, social workers, primary teachers, nurses, receptionists, and child-minders.

In the modern Liberal Party, girls, remember there’ll always be a place for you. It may not be the place you ‘d choose for yourself, but after all, if God had wanted women to run things, He would have made them first, wouldn’t He?

In closing, let me urge Liberal women to show their strongest stuff during this crucial week before the election. Remember, ladies, as long as you don’t forget your place is in the bedroom, not the boardroom, the party of Menzies & Fraser will always welcome you.

Now then: whose turn is it to put the kettle on?


One of my first “Lonely Hearts”. Enjoy peeps. By Facebook 😻😂

Oh yeah 😅

I’m so excited !! I just paid off $10,000 in debt, just got a $20,000 salary raise, credit score just hit 901, got approved for a brand new 2019 Ford F350 and just booked a vacation to Jamaica for a week! My finances are flourishing, and planning a trip to Hawaii in September!!
I don’t know whose status this is, but I wish it was mine. 🤔

Did you know that 😀😃😅

Nobody can say “Happy Mother’s Day!” quite like a Victorian children’s book.

Oh my goodness gracious me that is horrible 👨🏼‍🌾


Originally named Macguire’s Punt by some bloke with a dirty mind and poor spelling skills, Shepparton began life as a sheep station, before transforming into a rail hub, before finally ending up in its current incarnation as a smouldering post-apocalyptic crater. Its current name ‘Shepparton’ is a portmanteau of the city’s two favourite things – ‘sheep’ and ‘methamphetamine’. Shepparton’s tourism slogan is ‘Many Great Things’ which is at best a charitable exaggeration and at worst blatant false advertising. What Shepparton lacks in culture, entertainment, nightlife and drinkable water it makes up for in drugs, bogans, teenage pregnancy and the ubiquitous scent of cow shit.

Common hobbies in Shepparton include jamming fruit into tins, doing lappies up Wyndham Street in your souped-up debtmobile and having your welfare payments quarantined by Centrelink. Maude Street Mall is a popular spot for drug deals and knife fights, while the ironically-named Olympic Avenue wins the gold medal for ‘getting stabbed with a broken VB stubby’.

Shepparton displays a collection of life-size fibreglass cows in public spaces, as a tribute to the life-size actual cows that used to roam the town before an enterprising Sheppartard swapped them all for a clapped-out Commodore. The Shepparton Art Museum houses the world’s most significant collection of Australian ceramic, which is also the world’s most boring thing to collect. The main event in Shepparton is the Spring Car Nationals, a giant magnet for wild packs of criminals and fume-huffing hoons and a particularly great time not to visit.

Shittarton: Many Great Things Are Not Here.