DIARY OF A MAD MAN,Abuse,Anxiety,BROKEN SOUL,🕴🕴🕴🕴

  1. Processing anything even more impossible. Why? How? Help! Stop! Can’t – Shouldn’t / sooner or later ALL has to be faced) – Inevitable – Scream – Sad. Cry – DO SOMETHING!” The American MANTRA . . . When do YOU finally stop THIS? When results appear over time to be destructive or counter-productive? IF you don’t like the net result, isn’t it best to continue with the DO SOMETHING STRATEGY (seeking for change for change’s sake or to conform to expected norms?) How can you stop seeking? Isn’t STOPPING SEEKING still seeking . . . seeking to find out what will happen if you stop? Of course, I’ve been over this before, again & again. Processing, processing . . . EXCITE(ment) {does not equal} Real Happiness . . . Peace is real happiness. You’re suffering because you enjoy it! Can you be suffering & still, in the midst of it, be cheerful? CHEERFUL for/with your suffering. – That’s some great trick: the trick of the successful mystic (?!) SAM’s in church (out of habit?) habit? – maybe, BUT – is that bad? Church = BIG distraction for some; maybe very valuable for others. I guess anything can be truly valuable for an organism IF approached/experienced properly. It’s really a matter of GRACE that the experience turns out to be valuable (isn’t it!?) = GOOD LUCK. What’s good luck; what’s bad luck – WHO KNOWS?”! Doesn’t it balance in the end? Therefore, NOT to take something as GOOD or BAD, to just trreat it impartially is yet another recurring theme in this journal. GOOD or BAD – Not Good, not bad, daily meals, tooth pain, condition of body, of mind – How to have equanimity when SUFFERING CONDITION IS AT EXTREME, AGITATION without just trying to manipulate/suppress the situation – which DOES NOT WORK anymore. MOM – (outside) on (the) chair, on the back porch, sunglasses & coffee – So is this me – I’m looking at myself – role: “responsible” mother, in (her) 80’s, doing exercises . . . I [LOVE] HER – therefore, I despise myself – I THINK this is a very bad state of mind – BUT IS IT? I FEEL that way. Must be some reason . Why not just accept the feeling (not good, not bad) – just a feeling, to be accepted as a process, or part of a process. Of what value is ALL this? who knows! Maybe no value. Then what is the reason it is happening? Purely for experience? Is it a drama for angels watching? . . . or a sit-com? A learning video for What? NOW, Sam returns = The Unholy Trinity together again; well, that’s negative! Who knows, maybe this reunion is ( ) lucky or VALUABLE. Don’t know! What do I know!? That I seem to be stuck?! in this house OF SUFFERING . . . of my own device (?) – MAYBE. PROBABLY? {Le sigh!} https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JO4UmbcBprw&start_radio=1&list=RDJO4UmbcBprw

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