I am writing this post, not because I “have it all together”, I don’t. I struggle like a lot of people. This post is going to be about something I am struggling with now. I have a drug addiction. Not the kind that is taken from an external source, but the kind that is generated from my own body.
I am addicted to adrenaline and endorphins. I crave it. The way it is generated is by cutting, beating or inflicting pain on myself.
These endorphins and adrenaline gives me a high, it makes me feel good. It calms stress, and seems to take away hurts and pain. This is how I dealt with this since I was a kid.
Along with this, I use it to convince myself that I deserve the abuse I got, so that makes me feel better. I tell myself that I am a horrible person. I tell myself that I don’t deserve to be loved. I tell myself that I don’t deserve to be treated with kindness.
When I see the love of Jesus, I cannot fathom it. I start to cry with no control. I can’t hold back my tears. The same things happen when someone shows me love and kindness, so I run. I tried to fight my tears by telling myself that I am a bad person, I am worthless, I am a nuisance, and I don’t deserve love and kindness. I tell myself that I deserve to be hated and treated with meanness. This is how I have coped with my pain for many years.
Making this post is forcing me to tell myself that God created me to be loved, and it is right for me to be loved. God loved me enough to die for me and wipe away all my sins. See John 3:16.
When I think I am worthless, I have to tell myself that God forgave me, God created me in His image and I am not worthless, but He paid a price for me. He considered me worth dying for, even death on a cross.
When the world hated me, and I even hated myself, the world hated Jesus also. God loved me and set me apart from this world for His kingdom. See John 15:18-25
When I tell myself that I deserve the abuse, Jesus took that on a cross and paid for it. Abuse is not right for me, but it is right for me to be treated with love and kindness.
When I think I was a nuisance, I have to tell myself that God has given me His Spirit and think about how He used me to help others.
When I try to fight my tears, I have to tell myself that it is ok to cry.
Many people will say “Get over it!”, or “Give it to God and it will be gone!”. I understand that it is not that easy, and it is not how it works. Things don’t go away overnight, it takes time for these things to work out. We constantly have to give it to God continuously.
Even when we are not feeling pain at the moment, we became addicted to the drug (in my case, adrenaline and endorphins), because it made us feel good and we crave the good feelings it gives us. This is how addictions work. We have to constantly give these temptations to God to fight them.
If you have addictions, I understand it is not easy. I will be praying for you. Always know that you are all loved. God will always love you, and other Christian brothers and sisters, including myself love you also.